Jesus and the Fire

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I asked Jesus to guide me tonight and heard, “My word is a lamp to your feet,” then asked what I needed to read and saw “Mathew 11:12” flash in my mind’s eye. Once I opened my phone and began reading I felt the message I was intended to hear. The people called out both John the Baptist and Jesus claiming both of them were of Satan. And as I read I began connecting messages from previous weeks where I understood that my journey into this wilderness, (Southern California) is asking me to see religion and the things that remain the same today.

Just earlier I watched a video about Ruth and Boaz and felt forsaken by God because he hadn’t brought a prince in shining armor into my life as He had done for Ruth. And I feel these stories in the Old Testament are great when we need to feel puffed up with hope about heaven on earth scenarios but can cause us to feel like God doesn’t love us when we don’t see the David and Goliath stories playing out in our material lives. And to debate it all with myself is a pointless pursuit anyway because the last time Jesus appeared to me in a dream, he set fire to the Old Testament and then asked me, “Do you understand?” Repeatedly since that time I’ve been introduced to person after person who preaches the Old Testament scriptures and stories to me while demonstrating some of the most horrific behaviors; gossiping, slandering and judging others very harshly.

I’ve done this with Dave. Because he doesn’t claim to believe in Jesus or the Bible I’ve felt like I’m not meant to be in love with him. Because he doesn’t believe in marriage and doesn’t want to have a “holy” relationship with me I’ve questioned if he was sent in my life as the devil incarnate.

Tonight, a very strange thought entered my mind. What if Dave is sent into my life as my Elijah to pave the way before the Lord? What if his purpose was to wash the religion off of me and teach me to stop judging others or assuming I know who is bad or good? Jesus didn’t judge anyone. He wanted everyone to be free and healed. He only took issue with the religious leaders, pharisee and hypocrites.

Dave may not want to be my boyfriend or husband but he has been a friend at times when I needed one. He also seemingly was used by God to heal me in a time when I was very close to death by heart failure. He was nice and understanding. He helped me to not carry blame over myself and he even helped me break out of the chains of isolation.

Whoever he is, I’m very fond of him. And I can’t believe that God would send someone into my life that I love and love being around without a good reason.

I ask God to forgive me tonight for judging this man so harshly and for judging myself so harshly too.

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I Trust You Lord

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This morning I grabbed the Bible and asked God what to read. I saw Luke 11:12 in my mind’s eye and opened it up to read where Jesus explains that our Father in Heaven knows how to give us good gifts. Specifically it says if you asked for an egg would he give you a scorpion? I’ve had a thing for eggs lately. Well ironically D turned me on to eating eggs since he switched to this strict diet and quit sugar. And Jesus references the egg when he speaks of himself saying that his yoke is light and easy. A scorpion stings.

Today was hard as my first day back in Cali from Seattle where I felt like the entire trip was speaking to me about the connection I have felt with D. It does feel like a trap in many ways. I have felt suffocated by my own thoughts and the heaviness on my heart. I have constantly spun in circles in my thoughts wondering what I did wrong, why he doesn’t love me, what is the reason I fell so hard for this man and chased after him with all I have and in it all I have felt very foolish and deceived.

I go from angry to sad and then do it all over again and I scream at God often asking him how come he didn’t protect me from the heartbreak or do something to stop this long ago.

Tonight on the drive home from Marina Del Ray I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me as my thoughts wondered about things I don’t know. It seems there is some sort of big secret – a piece to this puzzle I can’t figure out and in many ways I feel blind. This reminds me of yesterday at the falls when there was a massive football sized waterfall covered completely by a cloud of heavy mist. The sun came out and cleared it all away.

Then my thoughts went to other moments when things happened that I didn’t like but God had a reason. For example, when my mother bought the house directly behind me I was horrified but two months later she took care of my house, my pets and my children when I was in a hospital for extended periods with Josh. God put all of the puzzle pieces in place because he knew what was coming next. None of us had a clue about anything until we saw the reason much later.

My daughter plans to move here in 2 months and shopping for places with her felt peaceful today and even exciting. I thought about how great it was to not be alone. I love her and miss her dearly. And on this drive home, I thought there must be a reason for God’s timing in this too. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what’s waiting up ahead for any of us. But God knows. He knows what puzzle pieces he’s moving into place and why he’s doing it. He knows what will happen with Dave and his job. He knows what will happen with Josh and his dad. He knows what will happen with me and Kenna. He has a reason for all things although I haven’t been able to figure out his ways in a very long time.

Maybe Dave will move away or meet the woman of his dreams and God’s preparing me to not be alone when that bandaid rips off. Or maybe Josh will need to suddenly come here and me and Kenna will in position to accept him. Or maybe God just wants to work on Dave’s heart and won’t allow him back in until he’s ready to be a better man and meet my daughter and accept my life with my kids and the beauty of all that exists in my foundation of God’s love. Maybe God is about to make Kenna a singing star or make me a movie career or maybe this is just the year where all things sad become untrue and all of God’s beautiful puzzle pieces come together at once with a beauty beyond my comprehension.

It’s hard because I felt such intense anxiety I had no choice but to tell him to leave me alone. And I think God knew that was coming. I think God knows that separation must happen for truth to be brought to the surface. Well of course God knows. He knows everything.

So I hope God does a miracle and brings that man to my doorstep with a pure heart and a dozen roses. But whatever God is doing, I know that my prayer was for a husband that would love me as Jesus loves the church – and he wouldn’t trade me and egg for a scorpion. God will do this. God will bring it to pass.

I’m excited to see what God is doing. Until then, I just want to say…… I trust you Lord.

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There are Others

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Phone call from Dr. Marc. What a beautiful conversation.

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The Lord will Fight for you IF

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I was closing my computer and saw this pop up (images from 2022) that I saw and took photos of while showing a home to my mom for sale. They spoke to me then and they speak loud to me now.

Just as the angel FURY taught me in 2020 when he spoke of the 3 dark spirits I needed to be aware of: Victimhood, blame & expectation, I see the same story in this scripture:

The Lord will fight for you IF you will only be still. Exodus 14:14

Everytime I feel wronged (victimhood) that leads to the desire to blame and put my expectations on others and I’ve seen this a reoccurring theme in how people close to me have treated me. I’m learning each day over and again to lay my burdens down before God and the attacks of these as well – to ask God to defend me, to ask God to perform and take the expectations of performance off of me and to ask God to cause others to not play victim to me in order to persuade and likewise to to take the anger and heartbreak off of me too when I feel shorted or not seen or heard or cared for by humans.

Each time I put expectations on Dave for example and feel like he’s not showing me love or doing the things I need him to do, he will attack me. Then I feel like the victim looking at all I’ve done and sacrificed to love him and I even feel angry that God would let that man in my life and allow me to move to Cali and give so much of myself in loving this man. And everytime I leave it alone, let it be and give it to God, that man comes right back. I feel like God does all things to make peace, fix our relationships and convict the hearts of others and us too when we don’t fight and just ask God to fight for us. FURY takes care of it as our defender and Jesus writes in the sand to convict hearts.

The other message falls in line also with Jesus the author and prince of faith as it says, I am putting all things into place – God. We can’t see what he’s doing and I certainly have been trying to figure it all out for years. But he promises that he’s doing it. There will be a day I know when I see it all say, “oh!!!! wow!! You did all things perfectly for this outcome.”

The other night on the drive home I was nervous to see Tamra and I didn’t know why. I just had a bad feeling – she’d been kind of nasty to me and in a bad mood and taking out her stress it seems on me. And as soon as I walked in she confronted me as if I were a child for burning a pot. I snapped and defended myself and then I felt horrible and cried myself to sleep.

I realize right now it was a test. I should’ve prayed for God to send Fury to defend me and kept my mouth shut.

Either way I prayed and I keep praying. I hope I will soon be in the habit of hearing God’s voice in all moments of my life and never wondering what he’s doing or if he’s fighting for me or if he’s putting all the puzzle pieces into place. I’ll know. I’ll know without every wondering again. I’ve been there before but the moments were brief seasons.

OK, I’m going to sleep. I pray the usual – protect me and my children and my dog and lead us to the doorway of Glory each moment that leads to the promise and fulfillment of our hearts greatest desires.

In Jesus name – Amen.

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My Dreams

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I can’t remember ever being asked what I wanted to do or become with my life. From my earliest days I only remember being told what’s expected of me. I see the church system as a place of walls; a prison where the inmates are given their instructions on how to survive the lockdown, how to earn their way out to freedom one day (in another world) and how to mess up and get the death penalty.

My Grandma taught me to believe in dreams and miracles but my exposure to her was very brief. As a small child I remember her making rainbow brite costumes for me and showing me the power of make-believe. My first stepdad taught me that angels were real. He showed me the music of scores and instrumentals and in the orchestral masterpieces he said the angels are called to come. “When you listen to this kind of music, the angels surround you and guard you while you sleep,” he used to say.

My mother didn’t believe in that kind of stuff and I remember she would get scared about some of the things I said and did. I would even get in trouble from time to time.

I was taught that I had to marry the man who took my virginity – so I did. I had two kids and I honored my vowels through sickness and in health unto death do us part. Death came in a strange way. A brain injury caused him to forget his love for me and so I lost him by a reset button that washed away the past and replaced it with something confusing and terrible.

But the moment after he left, I didn’t think about what to be I just started becoming. I got in amazing shape and began dancing again and working out and even making videos of positive messages. That ended fast when my mom came over to tell me that I was a disgrace to the bloodline making a full of myself a “business owner professional woman” and a so-called “Christian.” These are the labels I was given from a very early age and the rooms I was expected to occupy if I wanted to be accepted and loved.

I have had dreams of being in films and on sets throughout my life. I wrote about it once in a fiction novel. But even in the area of make-believe I had to name myself the script writer because I felt being an actress was forbidden and impossible for someone like me.

I look back at pictures and videos from six years ago and I think, “That’s a woman who had a shot.” But today I have an audition scheduled for 18 days from now and I look in the mirror seeing a woman who looks exhausted and I wonder why would God open this door for me now? I don’t have the money to go get facials and my hair done and I don’t have the time, diet or work/sleep schedule to get myself in tip top “beach ready” shape.

I feel like Cinderella with an invitation to the ball and no dress to wear. I need a Fairy God Mother with a magic wand if this could be possible for me to win the attention of these casting people.

Tonight I just want to say…

God, if this is your will for me, please send me miracles and get me ready for the audition. I give you the outcome and the glory. Thank you.

J

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Angels Everywhere

I’m placing my journal entry here tonight. These women seem to be all on a mission of some sort and I believe God has a reason I am encouraged and yet keep checking my soul desires too. I’m angry 400,000 churches gather every Sunday to worship God and teach God and we have 400,000 orphans in the US today when the “only religion undefiled before God the Father is to care for these uncovered ones in their time of distress.” James 1:27

I’m angry that mobs get together to slay the single mothers out there who are doing what this world often gives them as the only option to feed their kids (finding men to care for them even in horrid ways) and I’m angry that more than 1 in 4 homes in this country where kids are sleeping are fatherless tonight and we accept this while accusing women of bad things in adoption too. What woman would get an adoption if she had a loving man there to support her and be a teammate in raising child and a community rallying around her to help her in this process? Not many. It’s a broken society that makes these vulnerable make choices in desperation.

I don’t know how God can use me in this role. It’s a lifeguard show built on hot girls in swimsuits and I’m praying if God sends me I can follow the Lord, hear his heart and instructions and be a beacon of light that speaks what God would speak and does what God would have his daughter do and raises the awareness and the funds to open the Fire Ranch Sanctuary and do as HIS word says in Malichi and bring our tides to HIS STOREHOuSE where he says if we do he’ll pour out blessing more than we can even hold.

I know what it’s like to be fatherless and a widow. It’s horrible. And I know what it’s like to go to the churches for help in these seasons and be turned away, shamed, condemned or just plain ignored like I’m invisible and I don’t want to wage war against any group I just want to be the answer in some small way; the example of what God will do with a willing heart who says YES to walk in faith and keep my eyes on the vision of something that can truly heal his children and widows.

I want communities that don’t tolerate abuse and offer options to set the captives free. I want communities of mentorship where people step up a fathers and mothers to kids that they didn’t birth. I want a society that honors women and children as God’s chosen and not throw-aways, accidents or pray. The Epstein files talked about “fatherless kids” as the number one criteria in their search for taking children. Do you think Satan isn’t behind this – a literal scripture from the book that this country has built it’s Christianity upon.

God make a way for me to stir up hearts to help. Give me a voice that people might listen to. I say “yes” but I don’t want my ego to run anything. I need you to lead me and guide me and carry me to whatever you have for me to do. Use me God.

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Not afraid to Ask

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God woke me at 3:25 am with a text from a flight attendant asking me to switch my maui trip for her standbye next week. I thought for a moment, “Is this a joke? Is she crazy?” And God said to me, “She’s not afraid to ask.” And that hit me hard.

Yesterday was a big day in many ways. I took the prayer candles out and tried to pray over a caregiver and his wife and was strongly opposed and rejected. They wouldn’t even take a free candle of mine. Then I saw where another person had picked up my prayer candle in the bathroom and then threw it on the sink back where it was soppy and wet. Much confirmation,..

The prayer candle ministry is not God’s will for me.

Throughout the day I heard God telling me, “They have not because they ask not – and you can’t change them.” So then I figured,.. OK, then I’ll use the prayer candles for my own prayers. I will ask for myself; for God to give to me my dreams and wishes.

Then I received a call from TJ. He said, “You’re not going to believe this! A woman next to my aunt went into care because she has dementia and I helped them move her. And the daughter gave me her mom’s car. Can you believe this? Then he told me that he was picked to sing the Anthem at the Lakers game on March 3rd. I told him congratulations and he said…. “You did this.” I reminded him, all God things are GOD’s doing… But I see two things as I type this now. “Don’t grow weary in doing good – at the proper time you’ll receive your reward.” And also, Pray and ask God – God can do anything.

We were late getting TJ’s video in and he was very nervous and very insecure but God had me there encouraging him and helping in his anxiety not only in praying for him before he sang, but I filmed the video and then when he freaked out because it wouldn’t send, I uploaded it to my computer and sent it to the judges using my google drive. It feels good to help someone step out and do something that uplifts their soul and uses their gifts. TJ is a singer. I’m so happy he gets to sing and he told me he’s sending me tickets to go watch him on that night.

Now can I practice what I preach? Can I go to this audition and believe that God will do for me what I’ve witnessed him do for others? God will choose me to walk in my gifts and get a lead role in this show… I know it’s a big asking to say “lead role”. When I mentioned it to Dave and Tamra they both said, “Yeah, they need back-ups and bartenders and crowd staff.” I remember when I was in 4th grade I tried out for the Nutcracker play thinking this – that they’d make me a kid dressed up as a tree or a backup singer in the choir. I couldn’t believe it when the director chose me for the main role Marie. And I was the only one that did a main role throughout the play. She picked twins to play the role of the guy because she said she didn’t have a boy strong enough to remember all of the scenes. The boys got to split the scenes and no one would notice because they were identical.

It’s odd when I said twins I just though about my 911 prophecy dream and how Josh and Dave both have phone numbers 9115. Kenna always sees 55. And Dave seems to be the replacement for Josh (carrying a very similar role that Josh played in my life when I was 17). Oddly, Dave is the one that sent me the Baywatch audition and asked me to go. I’m not sure if he was joking or not but it planted a seed and now I’m going (God willing).

Tonight I said I’d eat only tuna, eggs and apples, would run everyday, do stairmaster and butt lifts and crunches and pushups and I’d not vape and drink lots of water. I can do this with God as my strength. I can focus, kick the bad habits, believe and get ready to get a big part. I will be the hottest 47 year old on TV and I’ll be God’s girl in every interview and tabloid and podcast; not because I’m a good girl or perfect but because I’m covered by the blood of Jesus Christ made righteous by him not my own attempts to be a good Christian (Steve said he’s like a 2.5 out of 10 on Christian scale). But I”m the girl who walked in faith, prayed, asked and even with a little strength left after a very difficult path I’m gonna use the little strength I have left to walk in that audition and believe that God went before me and paved the way to victory.

What’s impossible to men is possible to God.

Image: A woman came up to me on the pier after a skateboarder signaled me to go there. She said, “Can I take a picture of you?” Then she started capturing a video as I laughed and moved my arms around. Watching it back I realize that I was subconsciously moving my arms as a bird or an angel. I feel like God wanted me to see this to see an angel getting her wings back… Preparing to fly…

Heard song…..

[Verse 1: Nicki Minaj]
I fly with the stars in the skies
I am no longer trying to survive
I believe that life is a prize
But to live doesn’t mean you’re alive
Don’t worry ’bout me and who I fire
I get what I desire, it’s my empire
And yes, I call the shots, I am the umpire
I sprinkle holy water upon a vampire
In this very moment, I’m king
In this very moment, I slay Goliath with a sling
This very moment, I bring
Put it on everything that I will retire with the ring
And I will retire with the crown, yes
No, I’m not lucky, I’m blessed, yes
Clap for the heavyweight champ, me
But I couldn’t do it all alone, we
Young Money raised me, grew up out in Baisley
Southside Jamaica, Queens, and it’s crazy
‘Cause I’m still hood, Hollywood couldn’t change me
Shout out to my haters, sorry that you couldn’t faze me
Ain’t being cocky, we just vindicated
Best believe that when we done, this moment will be syndicated
I don’t know, this night just remind me of
Everything they deprived me of (Yeah)
Put your drinks up
It’s a celebration every time we link up
We done did everything they can think of
Greatness is what we on the brink of

I have tears reading these lyrics.. Thank you Jesus.

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From Trouble to Treading Upon

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Last night I watched videos by Steve Harvey and he spoke of visions from the Lord, suggesting to his audience to read Hebakkuk 2. As I woke this morning, I ordered a devotional he recommended called “Jesus Calling” and then went to this scripture he spoke of.

The first thing I noticed as peculiar was the cover of the devotional Harvey spoke of. I’ve held this book in my hand before. While in Miami last year it was gifted to me. I don’t even remember who gave it to me or how I ended up with that devotional book from Sarah Young. But I remember I gave it away when I left in a box to a woman in my apartments that rescued dogs. Why did I only read it a few times and assume it was meant to be passed along without my use? Was it my pride that said I had already done my days of Bible reading and devotionals and needed to not pick up this daily practice again? Or was it my humility that said I am not deserving of the gifts inside of it and should pass all good things God gives me onto another?

I’ve done that for as long as I could remember. Whatever God blesses me with, I have felt unworthy to receive and so I handed it to another. Even the gifts he’s given me I’ve always used to showcase another, uplift another or make another successful and prosperous. But is the calling of Jesus? Should a woman make herself invisible and withhold nothing that Heaven sends as the businesses, friends and people who pass through her gifted time on this earth are all given a piece of God’s portion that she beholds? Today I feel silly in these ideas as I realize God had gifted me that devotional book for a reason that was to speak to my heart, direct my steps and lead me in my calling that Jesus has for me. God wants to bless me and is asking me to receive all of His Good Gifts in store for me – to stop passing the baton he didn’t instruct me to give away. And this was demonstrated to me last week when I met a man from Huntington who is struggling financially to even pay his bills, looks at his mother who is in need of many things and doesn’t give to her but he gifts to every stranger on his trips at work things they don’t deserve. He gave to me money for dinner, a hat from the Gospel Museum of Music and extra gas money when I drove them to his aunt’s house upon our arrival back to LA. I wondered why he was so giving and asked him this question. He said that he was very blessed to be in a family who had a lot of money. But during my stay with him I learned this was not true. I wondered why he pretended to have and why he Glorified God in sharing a wealth that was invisible. God loves a giving heart but he never asks us to provide for others what we don’t truly hold in our hands. Perhaps this is a lesson I must learn today; to believe God wants to bless me and to know that what God gives to me has my name on it and should be received by my hands and my heart with gratitude and treasured rather than passed along.

After I ordered the book, I opened the Bible to Hebakkuk. Rather than start in passage 2, I read the entire bookfrom start to end. Hebakkuk sees the trouble and the injustices as he cries out to the Lord. The man carries the fear of what he perceives to be coming but also carries the understanding from God that the trouble coming upon the earth is purposed. God is moving to set things right and the ultimate goal of God’s hand upon the lands was to turn the tables. God’s justice is never to allow a city that causes harm, violence and vanity for the sake of oppressing his children to reign on. God hears the cries of his little ones and he answers in strength that causes even the mountains to quake and all the living to bow and recognize HIS power; much greater than the leaders, the decision makers and the kings of this earth over various societies and industries.

God will put us in places as the oppressed, the hungry, the lonely; he will make us to be the voices that cry out for help in our season of the wilderness so that we see the evil and the injustice. We have to feel it, get burned by it and sew in tears from that place because the anger that stirs within us is creating a desire to join our hearts to God in the opposition of that mindset so that when he humbles the proud and exalts the lowly into high places, those ones will use the gifts from God to glorify his name and his will.

Since I’ve been in LA I have spoken to many about the book that I wrote of true experiences from a hospital room where God showed his power is greater than science and medical systems. God performed a miracle in that ICU room and I wanted the story to be given to everyone. I wanted all people to know the power of prayer and the truth that what people can’t do God can do. I wanted people who were sick, harmed in accidents or family members that slept in hospital chairs for months upon months to know there is hope. What the doctors predict isn’t what God says and only Jesus is the author of life and death. God has the final say to whether we live, die or heal beyond what human tongues say is possible. I wanted that story to bless many.

I have told my story to people here and each time I got my hopes up as these people would set meetings, make promises to help me complete a screen play script or make offers to me that if I would help them with their projects they’d in return help me pitch my book to film. Today as I write this my roomate has a house guest; a woman who recently wrote a memoir of her mother’s ill treatment of her as a child. My roomate invited her here because she’s turning her book into a film script for her. And I thought to myself as if to ask God, “Why won’t she help me? She promised she would and I’ve been here seven months living under her roof. She never even finished reading my book. I’ve created several pitch decks for her and video sizzles to help her with her projects and she never did what she promised to do in helping me with my book. Why is she helping others instead?”

I’ve been in this situation before – opposed in my dreams of what I believe God will do. I remember in the hospital rooms pleading with doctors to come into alignment with hope and offer me solutions to save my ex-husband’s life and I was met with words like, “There is nothing more we can do. The damage is already done.” This go-round the words I’ve been told by so-called experts in the movie industry sound like, “You need to take the Jesus out of the book. Producers are looking for faith-based stories without the divine intervention. You should instead write a part 2 that talks about all of the horrible things your husband and family did to you.” It seems people in this industry are programmed to want the bad news, the drama that sells and the fault finding plots that glorify the evil works of humans rather than the powerful works of God.

I could very easily confound to this template and write more drama than their eyes have ever seen. I could talk about being born into the world without a dad, the stories of injustices that led me on a lifelong journey to uncover lies, the money scandals, the oppression, the abuse and the hurt that others have inflicted upon me and to even begin to elaborate would peak the interest of many. I know my story has enough tragedy to fill an entire season of coffee cup round tables where women spew the word “narcissist” and pass around tissues with fake empathy upon their lips. Drama sells and I have lots of it to give if I wanted to be another voice of despair and victimhood. But is that what God wants? I think not.

The final words of Habakkuk speak of the result and the promise of God. He sees the terrible visions, he prays, he waits for the Lord to answer and then he proclaims the outcomes as he writes, “I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength and he wlll make my feet like hinds’ feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places to the chief singer on my stringed instruments.”

God’s desire is not for us to swim around in victimhood and use our mouths to speak of all that others did wrong to us. He doesn’t want us to lift up our voices to share with others the drama that gives a stage to evil acts, he wants us to speak of the victory that HIS STRENGTH over all circumstances has written upon our stories. The good news is the outcome as Hebakkuk declares he now walks upon high places. He was rescued from the pit. He was redeemed from the struggles and the oppression and all of the horrifying movements of God that made the earth tremble were the very provisions that moved all the puzzle pieces into place to flip the script and uplift Hebakkuk.

I’ve had many visions. Years ago I had a vision of Malibu on fire as I drove through the Santa Monica mountains. That vision came to pass in January of 2025. I’ve had a vision of myself in a pool of water as a film crew surrounded me and a man. I’ve had visions of my son with a wife and child gathered with me and my person (a new love interest I presume) as we cooked food on the grille in a beautiful backyard setting in laughter and joy. I have no idea how I would ever get to these places. Today I rent a room from this script writer who won’t give me the time of day, I work a job I don’t belong to for an airline where I am met with horrible work schedules, little pay and angry customers and I can barely afford to pay for the car I drive. Although I’m grateful because not long ago I didn’t have a home to stay in (literally I was living in cheap hotel rooms), I didn’t know what to do to earn money to eat with and I went nearly a year without a car to drive – walking to dentist appointments and the grocery store. I’m not where I belong but God has uplifted me from the lowest places I’ve been. I’m grateful I can take a shower and go for walks. There were days as a caregiver I couldn’t find time to myself to do anything for myself. I’m grateful I’m not in a hospital room clinging to hope as I’m surrounded by voices of doubt and machines that alert staff of death incoming. I’m grateful God answered my prayers to let my children’s father live, to gift miracles in our sight through those times and I’m grateful that my son has made it through horrific nights when he spoke to me that he wished to take his own life. I’m grateful my daughter is no longer turning to weed and alcohol to numb her pain. I’m grateful that the both of them are speaking of the potential to move here and live with me in the next season of our life. I’m grateful my mother is taking good care of my dog Drako today and I’m grateful that I’m alive, breathing and typing into a laptop computer that only sometimes powers up – but today it’s working for me. Today, I’m documenting these words to honor the God who writes and finishes my story and perfects my faith and today my God is not done with me yet.

If God gave me these visions then He’s made a way to get me there. He has a path for me that will result in me living in a high place with love, family, prosperity and purpose in my life. He plans to give me a platform of some sort where people who carry cameras come to capture me on film. He plans to give me love and a new relationship that brings me joy, support and companionship I desire. He plans to bless my kids with love, children and a future that looks nothing like the past when all of us were struggling just to see the light in dark days.

Last week I asked a Hollywood producer to pay me the hourly rate of $55 that she had promised to me when she approached me in December to offer me a side job working on a docuseries that highlights her life and her path. She was to be the star of this show and she spoke to me about her dream for this project to lead to a talk show where she would be like the next Oprah. She shared with me her plans to write the book of her story – abused by her ex-husband and exiled by her adult kids. She also shared with me her desire to have a ranch one day for her kids to go to. At the core of all she spoke, she said she wanted JUSTICE to be served for all the wrong doing that had been done to her.

When I turned in my hours to her on an invoice I shorted myself. Even though she’s a millionaire I heard a voice of doubt speaking to me, “You aren’t worthy to receive payment for all of the labor you did for this woman.” So, I turned in only 37 hours for a full month of daily work. She responded the next day with a text message and said she refused to pay me because I never made for her a business plan. This was confusing and shocking to me. I never was asked to create for her a business plan. She had hired me to come up with show ideas, create graphics, work on a website and make video sizzles. I’m not a business plan person. But in effort to rectify her request I spent that entire evening putting together a business plan to the best of my ability. I sent it over and attached the hours again.

The next day she responded and said, “I needed this a long time ago. I will only pay you $1,000. I don’t like being caught off guard and I have too much going on in my life right now.” She decided that I was responsible for her lack of planning and direction in the project she approached me to work on for her. She decided that I was somehow responsible for her personal life struggles. She decided that I was the reason that she felt startled in being asked to uphold her agreement she made with me. She decided I should suffer injustice of not being paid what she owed to me and she decided that my worth wasn’t even equivalent to minimum wage in this country. Perhaps she showed me the works of victimhood as a lesson I needed to see. When we want to seek justice on our own rather than trusting God to make things right, we wage war against even the ones who help us and we become the villain who steals from another. My time was arranged for a payment and to withhold payment is theft. To make matters worse, she knows I’m struggling to pay my basic necessities. She knows I have been sending money to Texas for my child to have food to eat. She knows that I needed that extra money I was working for very badly. And the voice within says, “God, if you ever place me in position where I have the means to produce a show and hire workers to do the filming and planning, I will pay them every dollar they are owed and bless them with bonuses even. I will be grateful for the ones you send to me and I’ll treat them fairly. God I will never deny a worker her wages if you put me in this position.”

So this morning, I moved the work I did that she didn’t pay for to a new domain called “The Immortal Pen.” Her show that I was working on will be God’s show in this place. God removed the Hollywood producer from my life who didn’t pay me for my labor and decided that HE would be the producer of this show and God is the Father of Lights who gives good gifts to His children and Jesus is the author and finisher of this story.

I don’t know what will happen next. I don’t know the path that God has for me or what he might do with these writings but I pray that the windows of Heaven will open and rain grace over my every step from this moment forward. I pray that God will give me eyes to see his blessings and the miracles of every moment. I pray that these doors slammed in my face will be counted as divine detours that were all part of the journey and that everyone who didn’t treat me fairly, everyone who said “no” to my desire to tell God’s story and everyone who counted me as small and meaningless will one day receive gifts from me with little notes that say, “Look what God did – the true script writer, producer and author of all things.”

I registered for an audition next month held in Marina Del Ray for a new show on Fox that’s bringing back Baywatch. I don’t have the confidence in myself to get a part in a show and I have no acting experience, agent representation or even a resume. I had to use an old camera phone picture as my headshot and I struggled to answer the question on the registration form, “Why should we consider you for this show?” I registered because a friend sent me the link. I registered because I don’t want to be crippled by fear, afraid of rejection and held in chains of human logic that tells us that we can’t do something because we have no experience or we aren’t qualified. I don’t want to be a prisoner to the voice that says I’m too old or it’s too late for me. I registered because in the vision I speak of above that I received over a year ago where I had a film crew around me, I was wearing a red swimsuit. I registered because even though I don’t believe it’s possible for me to win a part in this TV show, I believe it’s possible for God to do it.

My confidence is in God and God alone. I will walk through every open door I see and I will keep asking and keep believing he has a plan for my life beyond what I even think is possible. And i will open my heart to receive the miracles that defy logic and the blessings that I don’t deserve, but he gives simply because I ask.

Dear Heavenly Father,

You know that I write this with trembling hands today. You know that I’m seeking things I can’t yet see and I’m doing my best to align with the imagination that has led me to dream dreams of your glory on the other side of all that I have suffered through. I know I can’t figure out a way to get where my heart desires to go. I only know that I have this desire. I want to be uplifted and be a story that gives hope to others who have been where I am. I want to tell everyone with a microphone in my hand and thousands in the audience, “If God can do this for me, he will do it for you.” I want to be a voice for the fatherless, the widows, the throw-aways and the forgotten that speaks of your power and screams from the mountaintops, “God can do anything.” So Lord I pray this today and ask you to help me walk in your strength and your courage. I ask you to be my confidence and to be my belief when I don’t even know how to believe. You know the truth of my thoughts. You know the things I’ve been through. You know the doors that have been slammed in my face and you know my heart to love your little ones and to not worship the people in high places but to worship you and honor your children that cry out for help today. Lead me God. Engrave the visions of hope into my mind so that my dreams are far too big to rival the voices of doubt. Shut my ears to not even hear the ankle biters that would laugh at my aspirations. Teach me to walk on water and to keep my eyes on you as I enter the promised land you have prepared for me. Remind me that Jesus was the final sacrifice and I am not to be trampled another day or another moment by people. By his stripes I am healed, by his righteousness I am eternally saved and by his immortal pen I am blessed, favored and carried to the top of the staircase by your mighty hand.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

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Seaside, Steve & Son

God thank you for the hope in the 3 bedroom apartment by the ocean at Will Rogers. I didn’t get to see it because the door was locked and i know that only you can open doors so I trust there was a reason for this. I went to the ocean and had pep in my step today with music I loved on the playlist and a vision of trying out for the Baywatch show. I have no experience but if this is a door that you are opening for me it will be the one that leads me to the dreams you’ve given me.

God my mom named me after a woman on TV and you know that this has always been a dream of mine. I don’t speak about it and I’ve denied it to myself because I didn’t know how I’d ever do it. But as Steve said tonight, it’s not my place to figure out how. I am only to ask you and to walk in faith – work hard and show up and you do the giving.

I have the angels flame site set up as if I’m about to have a talk show tomorrow with amazing stories to share. I would love to be like Steve and have a huge platform and success to tell people about how I followed the dreams you gave me to go to California chasing a new chapter, love and a story in a movie. I thought the hope was to get the book into film but I’m realizing that the story would glorify you but not in the way I truly want because it doesn’t have the part 2 yet. I want to tell people how all things worked out for my good and how you turned pain into purpose and a long road of tears and unknown into a blessing beyond my wildest dreams.

Thank you for the ability to work out today and for the courage to remake a vision board. If you cause me to look like Pam did and to get a role in this show I will honor you in all interviews and opportunities to speak in telling everyone about this day.

Thank you for the talk with my son tonight. He said he’d be open to moving here if we had a house. I would really love to a place by the beach and I’d love to bring Drako too. God give us a house with a yard that we can afford in an area that is safe and beautiful and that will bring us joy and laughter and hope for the days coming.

I know you can do anything.

Thank you for reminding me of that with Steve’s videos tonight.

In Jesus name I pray and give thanks,

Amen.

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FREE WILL

I feel like I came here to California and have been on this crazy journey that began in 2016 when my life was turned upside down just to learn a lesson about free will. No matter what we do, how much we sacrifice or how deeply we love another, they may never love us back. Sometimes the ones that love us the most are the very ones that persecute us, betray us, lie to us, take from us and leave us for dead without blinking an eye. And we have to love them as they are and walk away wounded without knowing why.

I’ve hurt so badly the last many years. I’ve felt I had no one to turn to, no one to talk to and no one who cares that I even exist. By God’s grace alone I’m here today writing this entry tonight.

So much has changed and happened. My life has been a constant roller coaster ride of hope elevated and falling again many times each day. I leap for joy each day and I cry and mourn too. It’s a strange thing – the human emotions.

Yesterday my daughter messaged me and inquired about moving in together again. She said if I can’t leave she’ll come here. And then today she informed me that her father told her he’s getting a one bedroom next month and kicking my son out. There was a day that i had prayed for that to happen; for my son to be removed from the situation he’s been deteriorating in for 7 years now. But it was a shock when it came today. And then I felt the tug-o-war within my own heart in the reality that settled in. I will be a mother living with her two adult kids. This is the very thing my mother ran away from in pursuit of finding love again after her second divorce. I see many women doing it; my roomate too. They say, “I’ve raised my kids, now it’s my time to live.” And maybe that was their path and journey, considering they found knights in shining armor to rescue them from their prisons of motherhood. But it’s not my story. It never has been on the inside as my constant prayer and deep heart anchor is in the vision of a happy family I’ve always sought. Maybe it’s because I never had one – a house full of brothers and sisters and cousins and grandparents and uncles and aunts. Today the only living relative I have other than my kids is my mom and she doesn’t even speak to me.

As I think about this all tonight there’s a voice of truth that washes over me saying, “You’d never have been happy with him if it means living far from your children.” And that brought up more truth, like the fact that in 7 years he’s never once asked to meet anyone in my life. He’s not met a friend or my kids. He’s only met my dog. If he loved me he’d want to be part of my life and he’d want to intertwine me in his too. I’ve never met a single friend of his either.

I left everything behind and he’s left nothing. And neither of us should ever have to. Love is a foundation that builds like a tree that starts with one branch and sprouts out to become more beautiful and bare more fruit. I’ve watched my aunt attacked by her own daughter in her time of need as a newly widowed woman; thrown in a nursing home where she died less than a year later. i would imagine she died of loneliness and a broken heart as the daughter didn’t even allow a single person to see her, didn’t have a funeral for her, didn’t even call to let us know she’d passed on the week of Christmas.

And even as i think about my kids coming to live with me I know that there are no guarantees that our outcome will be any different. We love because it’s what we are. And we can’t have any expectations. We love because what other choice is there? Death. That’s it. If a live is lived without love it’s not lived at all.

So I don’t know what God has planned for me now. I’m scared of them coming back because there was so much hurt but I can’t imagine a future without them in the closest crevices of my heart. And as far as a man is concerned.. I have no choice but to let him go, he was never mine in the first place. And if this was to be my fairytale love story then I would not be the one chasing and hoping for a future with him anyway. He’d have chased me back.

Tomorrow I’m going to look at a 2 bedroom and then maybe find some 3 bedrooms also. If we’re to be a family again I pray that God blesses us all with forgiveness compassion and love greater than we’ve known before.

I miss my kids. I miss them so much.

Goodnight.

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