My daughter is reading it and she sent me a ton of messages last night about coming back together with her dad. She discussed his miracle in healing and that the devil is a liar to say he’s stuck like this. I am torn in this all because I know that man broke my heart. I know how much love God instilled in me towards him. I know betrayal hit harder than I could’ve ever imagined and made me not trust love anymore.

Then also last night D was talking about sex with other people. A part of me wanted to experience what he spoke of because to see a man with another woman (cheating) is the ultimate release of the soul. I experienced it with Josh. I know that the bond breaks when he touches another woman. Is the desire not enough? The flesh will do what it wants and the spirit is strong enough to overcome it. But I can’t control anyone’s desires or overcoming. Only my own with the spirit of Christ.

These revelations seem to be telling me that my soul is still seeking. I feel I haven’t found the one who will recognize me as their other half. That one will see me and say “she’s enough – she’s everything.” And yet God can put that spirit in anyone. The spirit of true, unconditional love isn’t something we labor to create, it just is.

But what of a Father’s love? My daughter’s soul is stirring to return to her father’s house – to be heal the parts of her that lost the man who hung the moon. Maybe the book was written for a time such as this when she would read it, be stirred in her spirit and God would speak to her that this is her season to pick up the baton and be the healer she was sent here to be. Maybe it’s her love that will move him past the finish line – whatever that is. Maybe her love will be stirred in music again because of the seed of love God’s turning on right now.

I would love so much to see my daughter rise up in glory and my son too. Maybe that’s the healing that will come to me one day when I see and know that everything happened for the reason of two amazing, strong and God-filled kids who change the world some day and do so because of the demonstration of love, healing and resilience they saw demonstrated.

Today I ask for God to help me walk in faith, accepting what is and continuing to report what is true. Today what is true is my daughter is reading my book on the 9 year anniversary of me publishing it and she’s on a plane to Houston today to see her brother and father. Today what is true is I’m going to get my California drivers license with Dave. Today what is true is I have a seed of hope that something beautiful is happening in the moving puzzle pieces of God’s design and divine plan. Today what is true is I know nothing beyond that.

I’m a passenger in a script that God writes and until he stirs my heart with passion for something, I am waiting upon the Lord. In the void and confusion I have nothing else I’m able to do.

Here and now, I have little to show on the outside that humans would call goodness. But on the inside, I’m still breathing because I believe the story isn’t over yet.

I’m going to go for a run. Let the Lord heal my body overtaken by vape metals, remove my addiction and impress upon my heart that I’m still a vessel of love and should be healed in the body as my soul prospers.

In Jesus Name,

Amen.

I woke up this morning and started to pray. Immediately I was shown a candle. I lit one and I prayed and then I worked out with Tamra and I gave her a fully body massage. Serving others can be hard when the ones we love the most and wish to serve are so far away. I spoke to my son tonight and he said he didn’t feel good and couldn’t make the drive to Galveston tomorrow. I know he’s scared because he has warrants, no drivers license and no active insurance. His anxiety and stomach issues I relate to because everytime I think about him I feel so full of sorrow and tension.

Tonight I received a message from Alyssa and Daniella. They found one of my prayer candles and wrote an email to tell me they were praying for Josh’s healing. It brought joy to my heart. Maybe I had it all wrong this morning. Maybe God was telling me that the candle was meant to instruct me to make more.

So I will do that now….

God please write our stories beautiful full of healing, new beginnings and a chapter so glorious all of this pain is no longer even remembered.

In Jesus’ name.

Amen

This morning I woke up with a disturbing revelation. All of these people I’ve met from the script writer to the trucking company woman have all led to nowhere. I found out after much dialogue that they were much like me – carrying aspirations to do something in the film industry but they had never actually taken a project pass the finish line. What we don’t have in common is that I only aspire to tell God’s story – whatever that ends up being.

On my last flight from Atlanta to LA a man in 1C I noticed had a crown next to his name in our system. This means he’s a celebrity of some sort; a VIP customer. As we were deplaning I asked him what he did and he told me he was an actor and a producer. He said he had recently produced a biblical Netflix show called Ruth and Boaz. I spoke to him briefly about his success and as I complimented him on being “obedient” to what God put on his heart, his eyes lit up like I’d sparked a nerve in his soul. Then he extended his hand to me and said, “My name is Devon and you are?” I answered, shook his hand and told him it was a pleasure meeting him. I later learned that he was also the producer of Heaven is Real and many other faith based movies that I love so much.

So I finally crossed paths with the real deal – a REAL producer who has the heart for faith based films and the power to do something with my book. And all I did was chit chat and shake his hand? Have I lost my mind? A better question is, “Have I lost my faith in what I thought God sent me here to do?”

This was an unsettling revelation this morning in showing me how weary I have become. I spent all of my time and energy seeking miracles in the people God placed in my path that ended up going nowhere. And when he finally delivers the perfect person to pitch my book to I didn’t even think to do it. It’s as if I’ve already given up on the idea that my story of miracles should be a film or to even believe it was God’s seed for me in the first place.

As I laid in bed angry at myself I heard a voice of reassurance saying to me, “If it’s God’s will, you’ll see him again.” In this, I remembered the basketball player I met on a plane 2 years ago who I ran into again only 3 days later in a completely different part of the world. He was the guy who would drive my daughter from Texas to Florida a month later – definitely an angel on assignment in my life.

Meanwhile my domain for ScriptintheSky expired yesterday. And I did feel like yesterday there was a very heavy message for me to let the past go. Perhaps that story of all the miracles God did in 2016 isn’t the one he wants me to share with anyone. Maybe it’s time for me to let go of the past all together. Maybe this is where God is telling me to seek this day as the first day of a new story he’s writing in my life. Maybe this is where the woman in the sand looks up to find that all of those who threw stones at her have removed from her life and now only Jesus remains with his hand outstretched whispering, “Is there anyone left to condemn you?” And I whisper back, “No Lord.” And he replies, “Nor do I condone you daughter.” I always feel stuck on the part where he says, “sin no more.” What did she do? Was it because she was caught in adultery? Was he saying to her that she shouldn’t cheat on her husband again?

If I’m being honest, I don’t like being single because I feel like there’s a concern in all connections I make that I could be a temptation for a man or be tempted myself. I wish God would send me my person so I can be taken out of that dynamic completely. I felt more at ease in all things in life when I was grounded in marriage. And even if the marriage wasn’t great or the one God had for me, I still felt more secure and authentic in my dealings. The status of marriage game me a very powerful boundary in business. I’m bringing this up because in conversations with the trucking guy I have wondered if that’s a concern for him. Maybe it’s a silly thing for me to be worried about. I just don’t want to feel this void anymore. I wish I was stable with my person so that I was no longer looking, waiting or anticipating that God was bringing someone. It makes me look for it and I hate that I’m having those thoughts.

If God wanted me to be in a relationship right now I would be. So today I’m just wondering what I’m missing. I’m OK knowing he’s saying no to some things as long as I can see what he’s saying YES to. And I don’t think I should be praying “your will be done” as a plan to sit back and do nothing but wait on the Lord. I should be asking to see what God’s will is. I want to see it, align with it and know that I’m on the right path.

Heavenly Father please tell me what I should do. I need a home, a good job and direction. Please show me what I should do.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen

My offer didn’t come over this morning as expected. Instead I received a call from the owner asking me to put together a plan to work on the company’s social media and marketing from a distance. I feel like I’m a piece of laundry in the dryer spin cycle. The moment I get my mind around something and prepare mentally for a big change, a curve ball is thrown in my direction that shifts everything and I sit here on my bed stunned.

God is the author and finisher of my faith and my story. But what is my story turning into? Each page is half-written as it suddenly gets an eraser applied and another plot twist is incoming. Is God asking me to get comfortable in the uncomfortable for the rest of my life? How can I ever live this way and be at peace? I’ve prayed for stability, a home, a job that gets me out of the clouds, a love of my life to walk with me and a pillow to lay my head down upon each night where I’m embraced by love and peace. Is God telling me that I’ll never have this? It’s heartbreaking and yet there’s a small voice within that challenges my own thoughts and says to me, “All things are working for your good – even this.”

If I recap the last few months, I had a major plot twist take place on June 2nd. My daughter and I prayed together over my son and he called me in the middle of the night from his car en route to LA from Houston. I thought I knew what God was doing. I thought my son was on his way to start a new beginning – a new chapter of his life with me here in LA. But at the end of August he went back to Houston on an airplane and never returned again until October; only to work a few days with the Orange County man enough to pay for his gas to get his car back to Texas. Angels watched over him that night. I prayed for him, lit a purple candle and immediately received a vision of violet rays spilling over his car as he pointed it south to return to his father.

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My daughter just called me. We talked for a long time about dark stuff; demonic activity and suppression in the music industry and as we just hung up the phone after praying together I was reminded of the song that came on the radio last night when I got into car. I just sent it to Kenna and to Jason too. As I’m typing this, the lyrics say, “With every breath that’s in me, with every song and melody – let it be a Hallelujah”… Maybe there’s power in that word that I don’t understand.

Can I sing Hallelujah in this chaos and uncertainty? Can I remember that my life and my every moment is meant to praise God? I’m to praise him in the pain, the hurt, the loneliness and in this journey through the unknown. I know I’m not doing good at it. I know I’ve complaining a lot and asking for him to change my circumstances. I’ve even been arguing with God that if he truly loved me he’d help me and fix everything broken. I’ve been telling him that I need proof that he’s still with me and he’s still working on the moving pieces in my life and I’ve argued with him that I don’t know how to believe he’s good when everything feels so bad. I’ve screamed at God, “If you really loved me you wouldn’t want me to work this job that’s destroying my body and my sleep, you’d not want me to have no friends, no financial stability and no one to hold my hand and love me at night.” I’ve argued why would you make me and send me to this earth just to be alone and have no function or purpose? Why would you put me in a family that hates me and no one even calls to say hello anymore? Why would you allow me to become bitter and sad like this if you loved me? Why would you allow me to lose everything that mattered to me, send me to California where I believed with the faith of a little child that you were bringing me here to find love and purpose only for me to be sent back to Egypt with a backpack full of hard lessons? Why would you not guard my heart in falling for Dave if he doesn’t love me or want me to be his partner and his woman and wife?

Well, God blocked me from going back to Houston today. And I’m begging him today to show me why. As I do everyday, I’m begging him to show me what’s here for me and what role I’m to play in this place when the soul inside of me is screaming, “I want to tell his story.” That’s what I want. I want to speak to people like me who feel like all hope is lost and they are a mistake – people who don’t see why they even exist in a place where they’re deemed “unlovable” by others and what hope can they hold onto when everything inside of them only sifts through ashes and ruin. I want to be the voice that says, “Just hold on, God’s not finished yet.” But I hear those people and they don’t move me. They’re like talking cymbals with no substance. I want proof. I want to see the person standing in front of me with bloodied knees, covered in scars and standing on the mountain showing us all, “He did a miracle in my life. He brought me out of the darkness and he gave me love greater than I’ve ever had before and he repaid me everything the enemy stole from me.” I want that person to tell me that I have a reason to hope again and to keep waking up and to see that all things are happening for my good and God’s glory.

So here I am… I’m here Lord begging you to do something with me. Make my suffering matter for something. Make every tear I’ve cried matter for something. Make every word I’ve spilled into endless notebooks – praying, seeking, asking and hoping for redemption be a turning of the page in your masterplan where the girl who never stopped speaking to the Heavens eventually got her wish. Make me believe that you have heard my prayers and that you are the Good Father of Lights in the Heavens who opens up the skies and the floodgates and pours out blessings upon the broken hearted.

Holy Spirit wash over me. Do something – my strength is so weak. I’m confused. I followed everything I thought God was telling me to follow, I walked through every open door, I prayerfully sought guidance and I professed every single day, “Not my will but your will be done.” I’ve begged you to not lead me into temptation and only God knows I cried my entire drive home last night terrified that if I moved back to Houston I’d go back into the Egypt that almost took my life with an ex-husband that would somehow sink me again. I’m terrified of going back to that prison and yet I wish to know that my son and my dog and the love that is still dear to me isn’t going to slip away from me too.

I’m terrified that God’s mad at me because the only sense of joy and peace I ever fill is in the arms of a man who doesn’t love me and doesn’t value me on the outside and I don’t know how to sit here empty day upon day thirsty and all I ever seem to be offered is vinegar to my lips.

I look at the lamp I created from ashes and burnt wood in the Malibu fires and I see myself. There’s nothing left of me other than a few pieces of limbs covered in ash and yet this little light points her burnt, ash covered finger to the heavens.

Lord I’m exhausted with trying to figure everything out. I’m exhausted with fighting myself and my desires and my fears and my worry and my inability to see what to do tomorrow or even what to do in the next 5 minutes. I sit here and type int a keyboard, terrified that if I stop letting these words flow out of me I’ll have to sit here in the silence and deal with myself.

I’m tired of running away from you Jesus. I lay here and ask you to deal with me. Love me, heal me, wash me clean, forgive me, sanctify me, kill me, destroy me, throw me in a grave or cast me out into the streets as a homeless woman who has no place in this world but to sift through the trash for crumbs fallen from another’s table – do whatever you want to me because I’m yours anyway. You made me. If you want to destroy me what can I possibly do to save myself? Or if you want to make me new and give me a future, then you can do that too. I’m yours. So do what you want. I beg you to be merciful but I know at the end of the day it’s not up to me. I’m just the clay. You’re the potter.

I give up God.

October 28, 2025. 12:27 p.m.