Jesus and the Fire

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I asked Jesus to guide me tonight and heard, “My word is a lamp to your feet,” then asked what I needed to read and saw “Mathew 11:12” flash in my mind’s eye. Once I opened my phone and began reading I felt the message I was intended to hear. The people called out both John the Baptist and Jesus claiming both of them were of Satan. And as I read I began connecting messages from previous weeks where I understood that my journey into this wilderness, (Southern California) is asking me to see religion and the things that remain the same today.

Just earlier I watched a video about Ruth and Boaz and felt forsaken by God because he hadn’t brought a prince in shining armor into my life as He had done for Ruth. And I feel these stories in the Old Testament are great when we need to feel puffed up with hope about heaven on earth scenarios but can cause us to feel like God doesn’t love us when we don’t see the David and Goliath stories playing out in our material lives. And to debate it all with myself is a pointless pursuit anyway because the last time Jesus appeared to me in a dream, he set fire to the Old Testament and then asked me, “Do you understand?” Repeatedly since that time I’ve been introduced to person after person who preaches the Old Testament scriptures and stories to me while demonstrating some of the most horrific behaviors; gossiping, slandering and judging others very harshly.

I’ve done this with Dave. Because he doesn’t claim to believe in Jesus or the Bible I’ve felt like I’m not meant to be in love with him. Because he doesn’t believe in marriage and doesn’t want to have a “holy” relationship with me I’ve questioned if he was sent in my life as the devil incarnate.

Tonight, a very strange thought entered my mind. What if Dave is sent into my life as my Elijah to pave the way before the Lord? What if his purpose was to wash the religion off of me and teach me to stop judging others or assuming I know who is bad or good? Jesus didn’t judge anyone. He wanted everyone to be free and healed. He only took issue with the religious leaders, pharisee and hypocrites.

Dave may not want to be my boyfriend or husband but he has been a friend at times when I needed one. He also seemingly was used by God to heal me in a time when I was very close to death by heart failure. He was nice and understanding. He helped me to not carry blame over myself and he even helped me break out of the chains of isolation.

Whoever he is, I’m very fond of him. And I can’t believe that God would send someone into my life that I love and love being around without a good reason.

I ask God to forgive me tonight for judging this man so harshly and for judging myself so harshly too.

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I Trust You Lord

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This morning I grabbed the Bible and asked God what to read. I saw Luke 11:12 in my mind’s eye and opened it up to read where Jesus explains that our Father in Heaven knows how to give us good gifts. Specifically it says if you asked for an egg would he give you a scorpion? I’ve had a thing for eggs lately. Well ironically D turned me on to eating eggs since he switched to this strict diet and quit sugar. And Jesus references the egg when he speaks of himself saying that his yoke is light and easy. A scorpion stings.

Today was hard as my first day back in Cali from Seattle where I felt like the entire trip was speaking to me about the connection I have felt with D. It does feel like a trap in many ways. I have felt suffocated by my own thoughts and the heaviness on my heart. I have constantly spun in circles in my thoughts wondering what I did wrong, why he doesn’t love me, what is the reason I fell so hard for this man and chased after him with all I have and in it all I have felt very foolish and deceived.

I go from angry to sad and then do it all over again and I scream at God often asking him how come he didn’t protect me from the heartbreak or do something to stop this long ago.

Tonight on the drive home from Marina Del Ray I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me as my thoughts wondered about things I don’t know. It seems there is some sort of big secret – a piece to this puzzle I can’t figure out and in many ways I feel blind. This reminds me of yesterday at the falls when there was a massive football sized waterfall covered completely by a cloud of heavy mist. The sun came out and cleared it all away.

Then my thoughts went to other moments when things happened that I didn’t like but God had a reason. For example, when my mother bought the house directly behind me I was horrified but two months later she took care of my house, my pets and my children when I was in a hospital for extended periods with Josh. God put all of the puzzle pieces in place because he knew what was coming next. None of us had a clue about anything until we saw the reason much later.

My daughter plans to move here in 2 months and shopping for places with her felt peaceful today and even exciting. I thought about how great it was to not be alone. I love her and miss her dearly. And on this drive home, I thought there must be a reason for God’s timing in this too. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what’s waiting up ahead for any of us. But God knows. He knows what puzzle pieces he’s moving into place and why he’s doing it. He knows what will happen with Dave and his job. He knows what will happen with Josh and his dad. He knows what will happen with me and Kenna. He has a reason for all things although I haven’t been able to figure out his ways in a very long time.

Maybe Dave will move away or meet the woman of his dreams and God’s preparing me to not be alone when that bandaid rips off. Or maybe Josh will need to suddenly come here and me and Kenna will in position to accept him. Or maybe God just wants to work on Dave’s heart and won’t allow him back in until he’s ready to be a better man and meet my daughter and accept my life with my kids and the beauty of all that exists in my foundation of God’s love. Maybe God is about to make Kenna a singing star or make me a movie career or maybe this is just the year where all things sad become untrue and all of God’s beautiful puzzle pieces come together at once with a beauty beyond my comprehension.

It’s hard because I felt such intense anxiety I had no choice but to tell him to leave me alone. And I think God knew that was coming. I think God knows that separation must happen for truth to be brought to the surface. Well of course God knows. He knows everything.

So I hope God does a miracle and brings that man to my doorstep with a pure heart and a dozen roses. But whatever God is doing, I know that my prayer was for a husband that would love me as Jesus loves the church – and he wouldn’t trade me and egg for a scorpion. God will do this. God will bring it to pass.

I’m excited to see what God is doing. Until then, I just want to say…… I trust you Lord.

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There are Others

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Phone call from Dr. Marc. What a beautiful conversation.

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The Lord will Fight for you IF

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I was closing my computer and saw this pop up (images from 2022) that I saw and took photos of while showing a home to my mom for sale. They spoke to me then and they speak loud to me now.

Just as the angel FURY taught me in 2020 when he spoke of the 3 dark spirits I needed to be aware of: Victimhood, blame & expectation, I see the same story in this scripture:

The Lord will fight for you IF you will only be still. Exodus 14:14

Everytime I feel wronged (victimhood) that leads to the desire to blame and put my expectations on others and I’ve seen this a reoccurring theme in how people close to me have treated me. I’m learning each day over and again to lay my burdens down before God and the attacks of these as well – to ask God to defend me, to ask God to perform and take the expectations of performance off of me and to ask God to cause others to not play victim to me in order to persuade and likewise to to take the anger and heartbreak off of me too when I feel shorted or not seen or heard or cared for by humans.

Each time I put expectations on Dave for example and feel like he’s not showing me love or doing the things I need him to do, he will attack me. Then I feel like the victim looking at all I’ve done and sacrificed to love him and I even feel angry that God would let that man in my life and allow me to move to Cali and give so much of myself in loving this man. And everytime I leave it alone, let it be and give it to God, that man comes right back. I feel like God does all things to make peace, fix our relationships and convict the hearts of others and us too when we don’t fight and just ask God to fight for us. FURY takes care of it as our defender and Jesus writes in the sand to convict hearts.

The other message falls in line also with Jesus the author and prince of faith as it says, I am putting all things into place – God. We can’t see what he’s doing and I certainly have been trying to figure it all out for years. But he promises that he’s doing it. There will be a day I know when I see it all say, “oh!!!! wow!! You did all things perfectly for this outcome.”

The other night on the drive home I was nervous to see Tamra and I didn’t know why. I just had a bad feeling – she’d been kind of nasty to me and in a bad mood and taking out her stress it seems on me. And as soon as I walked in she confronted me as if I were a child for burning a pot. I snapped and defended myself and then I felt horrible and cried myself to sleep.

I realize right now it was a test. I should’ve prayed for God to send Fury to defend me and kept my mouth shut.

Either way I prayed and I keep praying. I hope I will soon be in the habit of hearing God’s voice in all moments of my life and never wondering what he’s doing or if he’s fighting for me or if he’s putting all the puzzle pieces into place. I’ll know. I’ll know without every wondering again. I’ve been there before but the moments were brief seasons.

OK, I’m going to sleep. I pray the usual – protect me and my children and my dog and lead us to the doorway of Glory each moment that leads to the promise and fulfillment of our hearts greatest desires.

In Jesus name – Amen.

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My Dreams

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I can’t remember ever being asked what I wanted to do or become with my life. From my earliest days I only remember being told what’s expected of me. I see the church system as a place of walls; a prison where the inmates are given their instructions on how to survive the lockdown, how to earn their way out to freedom one day (in another world) and how to mess up and get the death penalty.

My Grandma taught me to believe in dreams and miracles but my exposure to her was very brief. As a small child I remember her making rainbow brite costumes for me and showing me the power of make-believe. My first stepdad taught me that angels were real. He showed me the music of scores and instrumentals and in the orchestral masterpieces he said the angels are called to come. “When you listen to this kind of music, the angels surround you and guard you while you sleep,” he used to say.

My mother didn’t believe in that kind of stuff and I remember she would get scared about some of the things I said and did. I would even get in trouble from time to time.

I was taught that I had to marry the man who took my virginity – so I did. I had two kids and I honored my vowels through sickness and in health unto death do us part. Death came in a strange way. A brain injury caused him to forget his love for me and so I lost him by a reset button that washed away the past and replaced it with something confusing and terrible.

But the moment after he left, I didn’t think about what to be I just started becoming. I got in amazing shape and began dancing again and working out and even making videos of positive messages. That ended fast when my mom came over to tell me that I was a disgrace to the bloodline making a full of myself a “business owner professional woman” and a so-called “Christian.” These are the labels I was given from a very early age and the rooms I was expected to occupy if I wanted to be accepted and loved.

I have had dreams of being in films and on sets throughout my life. I wrote about it once in a fiction novel. But even in the area of make-believe I had to name myself the script writer because I felt being an actress was forbidden and impossible for someone like me.

I look back at pictures and videos from six years ago and I think, “That’s a woman who had a shot.” But today I have an audition scheduled for 18 days from now and I look in the mirror seeing a woman who looks exhausted and I wonder why would God open this door for me now? I don’t have the money to go get facials and my hair done and I don’t have the time, diet or work/sleep schedule to get myself in tip top “beach ready” shape.

I feel like Cinderella with an invitation to the ball and no dress to wear. I need a Fairy God Mother with a magic wand if this could be possible for me to win the attention of these casting people.

Tonight I just want to say…

God, if this is your will for me, please send me miracles and get me ready for the audition. I give you the outcome and the glory. Thank you.

J

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