God I took notes today in church and I have been remembering the times you have helped me. But I’m trying to remember when I’ve ever felt like I do now. From a love perspective, I’m broken. I’ve felt broken many times saying goodbye to people who didn’t want me around anymore. This has happened with all of my dads, my mom, my ex-husband and my children eventually too. But now I’m in this strange city and the only person who still talked to me doesn’t want anything to do with me. I don’t think I’ve ever been truly alone before like this.
Tamra I thought would be a likeminded friend but within 3 days of my arrival she’s back with her boyfriend and he’s now able to come into this home at will with a code to the door and I don’t even have a lock on my room or bathroom and I feel strange in this situation. Likewise, she had said I could use her car but now her son wants to use it to drive uber and make money. So, I’m not sure what steps I should take next.
I need a car. I need a friend. I need a job. I need your help and direction.
I miss my family. I know it’s not the same anymore and I don’t think you want me to go back to Houston or to Florida. In fact, I thank you for removing me from Florida. But I really thought this place was going to set my soul on fire and I’d arrive just knowing why you sent me. But I don’t know why I’m here God. I don’t know what I’m meant to find. I really believed with all of the 37’s this morning that something amazing would happen today. And it did. I mean – a lot of little things happened but I’m here alone again tonight in my thoughts and I’m sad and wish I had laughter and joy and singing and dancing in my life. I wish I had a job offer that would make my heart sing with hope again. I wish I had a man in my life who was trying to court me with genuine interest to love me as you love me. I wish I had a home God and a car of my own to drive. I wish I had vision of what you’re doing in my life because I can’t see and for so long now I have felt blind. I don’t know what you’re doing. I don’t know what your plan is. I don’t know anything anymore but I’m filling this comforter with tears again and I’m begging you to help me and encourage me and give me a breakthrough.
Everything I feel like you place on my heart I chase after and I try God. I try to envision a plan where my book become a film but I have to accept that maybe you don’t want that to happen. I try to envision myself back in real estate but after a full day with a man who works a luxury team, he didn’t even bother to call me back. I won’t hear from Brad until Tuesday and I don’t see how he can pay me well to sell widgets considering it’s a new position. I went to church today thinking I’d meet someone special and I felt so outcasted. The only person who spoke to me was the real estate agent named Crystal. Maybe that’s the one I needed to meet. But for what? Are you going to build your real estate house upon me and a woman who has no idea what direction she wants to go in building a brokerage?
Maybe we could target people who are caregivers – needing to place their parents in a home or who have just lost a loved one. I don’t know – I’ll do anything God you want me to do but I need you to please show me the way. Did I make a mistake today trying to earn a seat at the table with Nathaniel rather than asking Crystal if she wanted to join forces? Maybe the men of pride and ego are the ones you’re asking me to turn away from still.
God whoever you want me to walk with now, please make it clear to me. Have them reach out to me – stir hearts and move mountains. If you want me to work for one of these people, I lay it in your hands and ask you to move mightily to send them after me by the works of your spirit in their actions and moves. I don’t want to chase after anything or anyone in vain again. I’ve done this too many times already.
Crystal had your light in her eyes. But Lord I don’t know what to believe anymore. I lay this down at the cross tonight Jesus. I need a car Lord. I need help. I need a home. I need your people in my path. I need you Jesus……
I surrender and try to be silent and quiet and I wait.
Your word says those who wait upon the Lord will rise up on the wings of eagles and will walk and not faint and run and not be weary…. I wait Lord.
Thank you Lord…. in Jesus’ name amen.