Love

I know he loves me. Perhaps I’m sad that he may never find that again the way he had it with me. When he’s in trouble, I’ve been the first person he calls. After the storms. After the surgery. He knows I pray for him and I cry for him and I write him letters that I’ll never send to him. He made a lot of mistakes and he caused me more pain than I could ever record in a jumble of words on a computer screen. But when this story is dead and gone and the lifetime we have lived is buried and forgotten, will any of it matter?

I love another and perhaps I’ve loved many others in unique and different ways. I love animals, babies and strangers too. So why should I not be able to admit to myself that I love him and wish nothing but the best for him? Why should I not forbid my lips to speak a sour word over his name or his actions of the past? Is love in it’s most powerful form not called forgiveness?

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please clear my heart of any anger, sadness or expectation. For so long I’ve been waiting for something to change. I’ve been waiting for reconciliation and healing – I’ve been waiting for apologies that never came. I just want to let it all go and give it to you. I want to commend them all into the hands of you my Father and forgive them once and for all. I want to wake up feeling peace instead of the pull to fix something or brace myself for the next blow. I ask you to remove me from the prisons that attack my thoughts and attack my brothers and sisters.

Help me to once again see that every person is a child of you. Everyone is loved by you – everyone is gifted the blood of Jesus, everyone is redeemable and every single one of these is deserving of love because you said so regardless of what I have against them. And so I want to see everyone covered by your blood. Washed clean.

I don’t want to be angry anymore or fearful of what might happen. I want to speak the words of wisdom and say to myself, “let them….” with my eyes on the sky looking towards you to be my source of love to meet all of my needs and wants as my forever friend that walks with me even if no one ever does again.

Help me build a life where I can be your love and not look to anyone else to make me whole. Be the one to wake me up each day and remind me that you love me. Be the one who cares about my thoughts, feelings and experiences. Be the one who gives me advice and helps me sort through all that I don’t understand. Be the one who tucks me into bed each night with peace and comfort surrounding me and in me too. Jesus be my constant friend who never leaves me nor foresakes me and be the joy of my heart and the song in my voice. Let my life and my words and my body be the evidence of who you are then, today and forever more. Clean out all the stones and unspot me from the world. Make me white and holy as you are holy without anything of the evil one in me.

Thank you Lord.

In Jesus name… Amen