We Can’t Heal Narcissists

This entire journey into a wilderness of deep darkness and confusion has mirrored back to me every single hurt and pain I’ve ever carried. And I’ve asked why a million times – praying to God the Father. I end up here with this one truth:

We can’t heal a narcissists. These have been given over to a retrobate mind and have made a choice to chase this world rather than to love the living. The Bible teaches us that this would happen in the last days; men would be lovers of self. The directive and command is to “have nothing to do with them.”

My wanna-be savior complex has nearly taken my own life away. I’ve poured into people who simply aren’t capable of love or emotion. Their hearts are dark and cold. They take and they keep taking because they never are satisfied. They don’t have the ability to see the harm they cause because they don’t have the ability to see another as a life that matters.

The more they lose the colder they become and more detached. They thrive on the pain and the tears of others and they feel no remorse. They aren’t like us. They are truly a different species and I thought I could be a bridge but all I’ve learned from this all is that I simply can’t. Jesus is the savior, I’m not. And there is no trial, tragedy, loss, sickness or shaking that can change the inside of a person. In tragedy the substance of what is within comes to the surface. I’ve seen it bring out the darkness in my mother, my ex-husband and in this guy who’s another face of the same spirit here in California.

So tonight I just want to be obedient to the word once and for all. I will have nothing to do with them.

I pray the Lord gives me back all of the lost time I’ve spent chasing after something impossible. I pray the Lord gives me a home, a good job and returns Drako to me. I pray that I am guarded with a new protection against these dark ones and that I never again fall into a connection of any kind with one of them.

I pray the Lord defeat all of my enemies and restore my faith in Him as he is not the one who hurt me but rather the one who keeps rescuing me from death by their traps time and time again.

I pray that I know who I am and let no one steal my crown.

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Producer on a Plane

This morning I woke up with a disturbing revelation. All of these people I’ve met from the script writer to the trucking company woman have all led to nowhere. I found out after much dialogue that they were much like me – carrying aspirations to do something in the film industry but they had never actually taken a project pass the finish line. What we don’t have in common is that I only aspire to tell God’s story – whatever that ends up being.

On my last flight from Atlanta to LA a man in 1C I noticed had a crown next to his name in our system. This means he’s a celebrity of some sort; a VIP customer. As we were deplaning I asked him what he did and he told me he was an actor and a producer. He said he had recently produced a biblical Netflix show called Ruth and Boaz. I spoke to him briefly about his success and as I complimented him on being “obedient” to what God put on his heart, his eyes lit up like I’d sparked a nerve in his soul. Then he extended his hand to me and said, “My name is Devon and you are?” I answered, shook his hand and told him it was a pleasure meeting him. I later learned that he was also the producer of Heaven is Real and many other faith based movies that I love so much.

So I finally crossed paths with the real deal – a REAL producer who has the heart for faith based films and the power to do something with my book. And all I did was chit chat and shake his hand? Have I lost my mind? A better question is, “Have I lost my faith in what I thought God sent me here to do?”

This was an unsettling revelation this morning in showing me how weary I have become. I spent all of my time and energy seeking miracles in the people God placed in my path that ended up going nowhere. And when he finally delivers the perfect person to pitch my book to I didn’t even think to do it. It’s as if I’ve already given up on the idea that my story of miracles should be a film or to even believe it was God’s seed for me in the first place.

As I laid in bed angry at myself I heard a voice of reassurance saying to me, “If it’s God’s will, you’ll see him again.” In this, I remembered the basketball player I met on a plane 2 years ago who I ran into again only 3 days later in a completely different part of the world. He was the guy who would drive my daughter from Texas to Florida a month later – definitely an angel on assignment in my life.

Meanwhile my domain for ScriptintheSky expired yesterday. And I did feel like yesterday there was a very heavy message for me to let the past go. Perhaps that story of all the miracles God did in 2016 isn’t the one he wants me to share with anyone. Maybe it’s time for me to let go of the past all together. Maybe this is where God is telling me to seek this day as the first day of a new story he’s writing in my life. Maybe this is where the woman in the sand looks up to find that all of those who threw stones at her have removed from her life and now only Jesus remains with his hand outstretched whispering, “Is there anyone left to condemn you?” And I whisper back, “No Lord.” And he replies, “Nor do I condone you daughter.” I always feel stuck on the part where he says, “sin no more.” What did she do? Was it because she was caught in adultery? Was he saying to her that she shouldn’t cheat on her husband again?

If I’m being honest, I don’t like being single because I feel like there’s a concern in all connections I make that I could be a temptation for a man or be tempted myself. I wish God would send me my person so I can be taken out of that dynamic completely. I felt more at ease in all things in life when I was grounded in marriage. And even if the marriage wasn’t great or the one God had for me, I still felt more secure and authentic in my dealings. The status of marriage game me a very powerful boundary in business. I’m bringing this up because in conversations with the trucking guy I have wondered if that’s a concern for him. Maybe it’s a silly thing for me to be worried about. I just don’t want to feel this void anymore. I wish I was stable with my person so that I was no longer looking, waiting or anticipating that God was bringing someone. It makes me look for it and I hate that I’m having those thoughts.

If God wanted me to be in a relationship right now I would be. So today I’m just wondering what I’m missing. I’m OK knowing he’s saying no to some things as long as I can see what he’s saying YES to. And I don’t think I should be praying “your will be done” as a plan to sit back and do nothing but wait on the Lord. I should be asking to see what God’s will is. I want to see it, align with it and know that I’m on the right path.

Heavenly Father please tell me what I should do. I need a home, a good job and direction. Please show me what I should do.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen

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Soul Contract

I don’t know what we’re meant to do together but something is going on. And it seems as I’m typing this there is in an unspoken “will” that’s going on and directing my path beyond what words say. I feel like he’s blocking my path to Texas and perhaps I am too but it’s not clear to us. Our higher selves (the Holy Spirit) is making the moves and my lower self – ego mind feels powerless and very confused. But about a week ago I had the dream of Skyla in another room carrying a movie screen (like a TV) and I was in another room holding onto a TV for dear life and had no power.

She’s the one walking the path of the script for me and I’m powerlessly just holding onto the screen as it moves me where she is directing the path. This is a crazy thing to walk by the spirit because I’m not sure I have a choice anymore at all in the matter. I’m just a passenger having the experience but I can’t look at it that way either because it makes me sound like a victim. Skyla is part of me and she’s experiencing this with me. She knows best.

This helps me to take my attention off of D. He’s going through this with me – he’s not the enemy. We are both the ones having our lives directed by something bigger than us and we’re both having strange sensations, losing things and people and we’re both trying to figure it out and learning to let go.

I wish I could trust it. I have no other choice. My son was removed and miraculously given a job. It’s like something bigger than me is clearing a path for something I’m being asked to step into and I can’t see what happens next but I’m here. I’m at the part of the script where I’m handed the blank sheet of paper and I’m being asked to trust. I’m being asked to silence the monkey mind and hear the subconscious spiritual mind that’s connected to Skyla.

She doesn’t speak to me in words. She speaks to me in songs and visions. Maybe that’s a big part of this whole thing is learning to hear the voice of God by simply knowing he doesn’t speak english to me. He speaks in another language and the angels speak in another language. What are the visions, the music that plays in my heart and can that be the only thing I tune into and can I cast all thoughts with words to the side and know that’s not the divine language?

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Not Going to Texas

My offer didn’t come over this morning as expected. Instead I received a call from the owner asking me to put together a plan to work on the company’s social media and marketing from a distance. I feel like I’m a piece of laundry in the dryer spin cycle. The moment I get my mind around something and prepare mentally for a big change, a curve ball is thrown in my direction that shifts everything and I sit here on my bed stunned.

God is the author and finisher of my faith and my story. But what is my story turning into? Each page is half-written as it suddenly gets an eraser applied and another plot twist is incoming. Is God asking me to get comfortable in the uncomfortable for the rest of my life? How can I ever live this way and be at peace? I’ve prayed for stability, a home, a job that gets me out of the clouds, a love of my life to walk with me and a pillow to lay my head down upon each night where I’m embraced by love and peace. Is God telling me that I’ll never have this? It’s heartbreaking and yet there’s a small voice within that challenges my own thoughts and says to me, “All things are working for your good – even this.”

If I recap the last few months, I had a major plot twist take place on June 2nd. My daughter and I prayed together over my son and he called me in the middle of the night from his car en route to LA from Houston. I thought I knew what God was doing. I thought my son was on his way to start a new beginning – a new chapter of his life with me here in LA. But at the end of August he went back to Houston on an airplane and never returned again until October; only to work a few days with the Orange County man enough to pay for his gas to get his car back to Texas. Angels watched over him that night. I prayed for him, lit a purple candle and immediately received a vision of violet rays spilling over his car as he pointed it south to return to his father.

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My daughter just called me. We talked for a long time about dark stuff; demonic activity and suppression in the music industry and as we just hung up the phone after praying together I was reminded of the song that came on the radio last night when I got into car. I just sent it to Kenna and to Jason too. As I’m typing this, the lyrics say, “With every breath that’s in me, with every song and melody – let it be a Hallelujah”… Maybe there’s power in that word that I don’t understand.

Can I sing Hallelujah in this chaos and uncertainty? Can I remember that my life and my every moment is meant to praise God? I’m to praise him in the pain, the hurt, the loneliness and in this journey through the unknown. I know I’m not doing good at it. I know I’ve complaining a lot and asking for him to change my circumstances. I’ve even been arguing with God that if he truly loved me he’d help me and fix everything broken. I’ve been telling him that I need proof that he’s still with me and he’s still working on the moving pieces in my life and I’ve argued with him that I don’t know how to believe he’s good when everything feels so bad. I’ve screamed at God, “If you really loved me you wouldn’t want me to work this job that’s destroying my body and my sleep, you’d not want me to have no friends, no financial stability and no one to hold my hand and love me at night.” I’ve argued why would you make me and send me to this earth just to be alone and have no function or purpose? Why would you put me in a family that hates me and no one even calls to say hello anymore? Why would you allow me to become bitter and sad like this if you loved me? Why would you allow me to lose everything that mattered to me, send me to California where I believed with the faith of a little child that you were bringing me here to find love and purpose only for me to be sent back to Egypt with a backpack full of hard lessons? Why would you not guard my heart in falling for Dave if he doesn’t love me or want me to be his partner and his woman and wife?

Well, God blocked me from going back to Houston today. And I’m begging him today to show me why. As I do everyday, I’m begging him to show me what’s here for me and what role I’m to play in this place when the soul inside of me is screaming, “I want to tell his story.” That’s what I want. I want to speak to people like me who feel like all hope is lost and they are a mistake – people who don’t see why they even exist in a place where they’re deemed “unlovable” by others and what hope can they hold onto when everything inside of them only sifts through ashes and ruin. I want to be the voice that says, “Just hold on, God’s not finished yet.” But I hear those people and they don’t move me. They’re like talking cymbals with no substance. I want proof. I want to see the person standing in front of me with bloodied knees, covered in scars and standing on the mountain showing us all, “He did a miracle in my life. He brought me out of the darkness and he gave me love greater than I’ve ever had before and he repaid me everything the enemy stole from me.” I want that person to tell me that I have a reason to hope again and to keep waking up and to see that all things are happening for my good and God’s glory.

So here I am… I’m here Lord begging you to do something with me. Make my suffering matter for something. Make every tear I’ve cried matter for something. Make every word I’ve spilled into endless notebooks – praying, seeking, asking and hoping for redemption be a turning of the page in your masterplan where the girl who never stopped speaking to the Heavens eventually got her wish. Make me believe that you have heard my prayers and that you are the Good Father of Lights in the Heavens who opens up the skies and the floodgates and pours out blessings upon the broken hearted.

Holy Spirit wash over me. Do something – my strength is so weak. I’m confused. I followed everything I thought God was telling me to follow, I walked through every open door, I prayerfully sought guidance and I professed every single day, “Not my will but your will be done.” I’ve begged you to not lead me into temptation and only God knows I cried my entire drive home last night terrified that if I moved back to Houston I’d go back into the Egypt that almost took my life with an ex-husband that would somehow sink me again. I’m terrified of going back to that prison and yet I wish to know that my son and my dog and the love that is still dear to me isn’t going to slip away from me too.

I’m terrified that God’s mad at me because the only sense of joy and peace I ever fill is in the arms of a man who doesn’t love me and doesn’t value me on the outside and I don’t know how to sit here empty day upon day thirsty and all I ever seem to be offered is vinegar to my lips.

I look at the lamp I created from ashes and burnt wood in the Malibu fires and I see myself. There’s nothing left of me other than a few pieces of limbs covered in ash and yet this little light points her burnt, ash covered finger to the heavens.

Lord I’m exhausted with trying to figure everything out. I’m exhausted with fighting myself and my desires and my fears and my worry and my inability to see what to do tomorrow or even what to do in the next 5 minutes. I sit here and type int a keyboard, terrified that if I stop letting these words flow out of me I’ll have to sit here in the silence and deal with myself.

I’m tired of running away from you Jesus. I lay here and ask you to deal with me. Love me, heal me, wash me clean, forgive me, sanctify me, kill me, destroy me, throw me in a grave or cast me out into the streets as a homeless woman who has no place in this world but to sift through the trash for crumbs fallen from another’s table – do whatever you want to me because I’m yours anyway. You made me. If you want to destroy me what can I possibly do to save myself? Or if you want to make me new and give me a future, then you can do that too. I’m yours. So do what you want. I beg you to be merciful but I know at the end of the day it’s not up to me. I’m just the clay. You’re the potter.

I give up God.

October 28, 2025. 12:27 p.m.

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Texas Job Talk

Skyla laid down in the hotel bed with a mind spinning through thoughts of the 24 hours that stood before her. Tomorrow, Monday the trucking guy from Texas had promised to call her. He would want an answer from her; would she be willing to come to Texas and commit to him long term. She could not speak with her mouth a promise that wasn’t hers to give. She had promised God that she would turn over her life to the new chapter he had for her. And she had foreseen a proposal that would appear in this season with a script that her soul would recognize; two voices speaking as one and two hearts completely knitted together in one vision and one goal. It was the path made straight with no more detours or crooked roads.

She had watched her son come and go over the last several months and only last week he made his final departure from California in a 24 hour drive back to Texas. His car back home with his Dad had placed a finality over the decision he had made which pierced Skyla’s heart. And yet she accepted it because she had to. To pray “God’s will be done” every single day of her life was to believe that all things were working for her good and even the dreams she watched shattering before her and the visions that came and gone were all part of the process of letting go. She wanted the divine story that was scripted in Heaven and she knew that forcing her will or trying to control the people who came and left her life was a sure way to catch another detour she couldn’t afford to take.

So on this night she prayed again.

“God, you know my heart and you know the very reason you made me and sent me to this earth. You have the wisdom and the glory in all things you author in my life and I ask you to write tonight with the pen of the straight path. Let me not take anymore detours that delay the journey through the Wilderness to the promised land. I’m here Lord. I followed your voice the best I have known to. I ask you to speak loudly the voice of love to me now. I ask you to slam this door shut with Majestic if it’s not your perfect will and straight and narrow path for me. But if it is the path you have for me, I ask you to make it so bright, so gleaming with joy and acceptance and abundance that I can’t possibly pass it up. Make your will known to me Lord and do what only you can do. God I have asked you for a job that will align me with my purpose, bring me joy and love and laughter and fulfillment. I have asked you for a partnership with the person you wish for me to walk hand in hand with in purpose that fulfills a divine mission and I’ve asked you for a home where I can lay my head in peace each night. My journey has been long and exhausting and I’ve eaten the daily manna and I’ve struggled with doubt and I’ve been persecuted and despised and I’ve had many doors slammed in my face. Deliver me to my destiny Lord. As my Father who only gives good gifts from Heaven, I ask you to take full control of my life and give me the glory that’s not comparable to the suffering of my past. I lay this down at your feet tonight Lord and ask you to speak loudly to Jason too the will that you have for this exchange tomorrow. Let us lean not on our own understanding but submit to you in all of our ways and make October 27, 2025 the DAY THE LORD HAS MADE.

Do what only you can do God. You are the Lord of the my life, the author and finisher of my faith and my story and you hold the pen of the chapter you are writing today for me, your daughter. I lay at your feet and ask you to finish what you began in me – this seed of hope and desire for love. Lead me Lord. I don’t want to go before you. Speak loudly to me and counsel me as you open and close doors for me today.

In Jesus’ Name.

Amen.

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They’re Here – the Angels

This is so unbelievably crazy. They’re here. The angels are here. They are connecting a tribe and it’s happening. My son is about to be rescued to California and doors are opening no one can close. It’s happening. Revelation 3.7. He’s taking the high to the low and he’s exalting his appointed ones. We’re going to take over Hollywood. His story is about to be told across the lands in a way that no one can deny and every knee will bow. Jesus is Lord. Jesus is the Author and finisher of my faith and my story. We’re there. It’s time.

I don’t even know what to do with this excitement and energy. My stomach is in knots. I’m about to be redeemed and my son too. This is where the generational patterns are done with and God reigns and says ENOUGH. He’s collected all my tears in his bottle and he’s heard the prayers of the saints and my boy is coming. And healing is ours. And love is ours. Redemption is ours. Abundance is ours. Hope and a future is here now.

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Don’t Drink the Vinegar

Tonight I saw 27 again – pictured on an image of a workout machine. It’s the crossroad I live at now and the bday of this woman and a number that pops up frequently wanting to tell me a message it seems.

I looked up it’s meaning in the bible and first read over the book of proverbs 27. Then I saw a connection to the crucifixion of Jesus with this number.

I heard in the Spirit, “When you’re thirsty don’t drink the vinegar. Wait upon the Lord.” And then I was shown there are many different types of fasting. It’s not just food that we need or long for. In fact, for me my hunger and thirst for so long now has been rooted in love. I want love returned. I want to feel covered in love and surrounded by love and I want love to penetrate my heart, soul, mind and body. But in the absence of that love, I’ve drank of many cups that seemed good but left me empty and worse off than I was before.

Perhaps this is the tale of Eve in the garden. She was tempted to eat of something that looked good on the outside but filled her with poison – such is the effects of counterfeit love.

In these moments I get anxious. I want to run away as fast as I can to a faraway land and live on a ranch in the wilderness surrounded by horses and puppies. The idea seems great and yet I was referred back to proverbs 27 again where it says not to boast in tomorrow. In dreaming of a plan to get where I think I want to be I again paint a picture that looks amazing in a picture or on a screen. But if that’s what would truly satisfy my soul I can’t say. God knows. I don’t.

I am where I am tonight – in a hot room in California wishing I could find a way out of something I can’t even define. I don’t belong here. But when I search my heart to find the compass within I only look out again in fear. I’m not sure where home is or could be. My heart has no guidance for me today.

Maybe the vinegar is that very thing – the desire that screams so loudly demanding to have its needs met, the mind has no choice but to search for an answer. But it doesn’t know the substance of what it perceives. On the outside, water and vinegar look the same. It’s not until we taste of it can we know what it truly is. Maybe this season is about doing taste testing as I’ve found myself embedded in a land of dreams – Hollywood. And behind all of the beautiful imagery I’ve kept in my thoughts likely since I was a child growing up on Disney movies, I learn that it’s not what I expected it to be. Like Dorothy seeking to find the Wizard of Oz only to learn that there is no great wizard, I’m here in a puddle of disappointment.

Today I did have one very beautiful revelation however; the weapon of prayer. Rather than to run, move, jump, consume and create based on the temptations of desire. Perhaps the power is in prayer alone. God if this is good for me, give it to me. I don’t want to eat what the serpant feeds me. I want to take it to God and say, “I was told this is good for me, what do you say about that?”

I want the promise – the real one. There is a love that would lay his life down for me. I don’t want to be filled with anything less than that. So I pray tonight for wisdom from God to know what’s not this thing and to turn away from the vinegar that poisons the very passion of pursuing a promise I seek from the Lord.

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Love

I know he loves me. Perhaps I’m sad that he may never find that again the way he had it with me. When he’s in trouble, I’ve been the first person he calls. After the storms. After the surgery. He knows I pray for him and I cry for him and I write him letters that I’ll never send to him. He made a lot of mistakes and he caused me more pain than I could ever record in a jumble of words on a computer screen. But when this story is dead and gone and the lifetime we have lived is buried and forgotten, will any of it matter?

I love another and perhaps I’ve loved many others in unique and different ways. I love animals, babies and strangers too. So why should I not be able to admit to myself that I love him and wish nothing but the best for him? Why should I not forbid my lips to speak a sour word over his name or his actions of the past? Is love in it’s most powerful form not called forgiveness?

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please clear my heart of any anger, sadness or expectation. For so long I’ve been waiting for something to change. I’ve been waiting for reconciliation and healing – I’ve been waiting for apologies that never came. I just want to let it all go and give it to you. I want to commend them all into the hands of you my Father and forgive them once and for all. I want to wake up feeling peace instead of the pull to fix something or brace myself for the next blow. I ask you to remove me from the prisons that attack my thoughts and attack my brothers and sisters.

Help me to once again see that every person is a child of you. Everyone is loved by you – everyone is gifted the blood of Jesus, everyone is redeemable and every single one of these is deserving of love because you said so regardless of what I have against them. And so I want to see everyone covered by your blood. Washed clean.

I don’t want to be angry anymore or fearful of what might happen. I want to speak the words of wisdom and say to myself, “let them….” with my eyes on the sky looking towards you to be my source of love to meet all of my needs and wants as my forever friend that walks with me even if no one ever does again.

Help me build a life where I can be your love and not look to anyone else to make me whole. Be the one to wake me up each day and remind me that you love me. Be the one who cares about my thoughts, feelings and experiences. Be the one who gives me advice and helps me sort through all that I don’t understand. Be the one who tucks me into bed each night with peace and comfort surrounding me and in me too. Jesus be my constant friend who never leaves me nor foresakes me and be the joy of my heart and the song in my voice. Let my life and my words and my body be the evidence of who you are then, today and forever more. Clean out all the stones and unspot me from the world. Make me white and holy as you are holy without anything of the evil one in me.

Thank you Lord.

In Jesus name… Amen

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Mars & the Eclipse

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This morning I was greeted by the woman at the hotel front desk as she asked, “Is your name Angel?” No, I answered – thinking nothing of it. I sat down in the lounge couch chairs next to two of my crew members and pulled out my phone to check flight information as the lobby speakers started playing the song, “Sometimes all I think about is you, late nights in the middle of June.” I felt my heart spark with the recognition of the familiar tune that was first introduced to me by David. It was a song I listened to often over the summer of 2022 after moving from Cali back to Texas. It’s as if the lyrics seemed to speak subliminally a story of his heart to mine in the spaces of unspoken separation and impossible connection.

Then loading up on the bus, the driver asked, “Are any of you named Angel?” He followed his question with a joke, “I told them that I’m the devil so I know the hand held device doesn’t belong to me.” Something about his remark struck a cord in me and prompted me to write it down. Two times the same phrase and then later in flight I heard it again in a message from a spiritual teacher who spoke about an “earth angel” who was surrounded by people who were perplexed and even jealous (not realizing such a thing) by the power within a certain person.

Moving on I watched other videos today about star alignments and the big new moon eclipse happening tonight. And the guy who sat next to me in the jumpseat kept making jokes about his name being “Mars”. Ironically that’s a big part of the planetary alignment and my sign is ruled by Mars. Then waiting to board the flight from Memphis through Atlanta onward to Cincinatti he sat next to me, looked me in the eyes and asked, “Do you feel the shift?” I smiled and said, “Yes, it’s good, right?” He smiled back and said, “Yes! It’s very very good.”

The funeral service of Charlie Kirk was held today and a public speaker told me on the phone a few minutes ago his thoughts about the evil of this event – saying that it’s spiritual and even the ones who commit the crimes realize it only after it’s too later. He made mention of the murderer appearing on film crying from prison. I hadn’t watched the news and knew nothing about it. However, this vision of what he was explaining certainly resonated with me. When something of this magnitude happens, the ones who believe begin to pray. And when people gather to light candles and pray, the Heavens pour out blessings upon the earth. Yes, there’s power in prayer and very bold power in numbers when we pray.

Tonight, i just want to pray and say thank you to God for answering our hearts. Thank you for turning the hearts of the children back to the father and thank you for the light that’s pouring out into the earth today. I ask for there to be more light and more love in the days to come. I ask for a revival of the likes this world has never seen. I pray for the lowly to be exalted and the proud to be taken down as your word says and as I’ve seen in many visions.

Thy kingdom come, they will be done. In the powerful name of Jesus – Yeshua…

Amen – Let it be done.

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Dream with Actresses

Last night I woke up at 7am to the sun peaking through a window without blackout curtains in the Hyatt of Downtown Tampa. I got up and felt awful, investigated the blinds an found a hidden layer with a black out plastic drop-down device and transformed my room into darkness again. There I laid with thoughts turning as I found my way back to sleep again and didn’t wake until nearly 1 in the afternoon. But on the second journey into sleep, I brought back a gift with me – a dream.

I was at a track-like field with few others there. And going in and out of the dressing/gym type rooms I ran into a few characters I recognized. They were famous actresses. I can’t remember now who they were by name but a shimmer of their faces remains in my subconscious thought. I remember feeling a bit surprised that they were there at the same event I’d been called to. We were there to run a race of some sort – to a do a type of event.

Then, in the back rooms I was going from room to room preparing for my race and in the first room I put on one of the women’s slippers that were far too big for my feet, tripped on the long toes and nearly fell face first out of the loft. One of the other women watched me from a doorway and asked, “Oh my gosh, are you ok?” Then I found my way to the bathroom to get my face ready and realized that my eyelashes were a huge mess. They were way too big for my face and had doubled up and twisted together. They were fake eyelashes I’d applied who knows how long ago.

Interestingly, yesterday on my flights I had an eyelash issue. I didn’t cut the little strips short enough and one of the inside pieces came unglued and was sticking out. I was embarrassed and visited the bathroom often trying to fix it with no success.

Trying to be someone I’m not is exhausting. And trying to figure out who I am and what God’s will is for my life is equally draining as I seem to be sifting through many rooms of memories and forthcoming ideas on a daily basis. I lean on my faith wondering if I was meant to share in a greater capacity the events of my past with others as a calling but on the night of 9/9 I received a very troubling dream of a woman named Melissa (I met her in this job) trying to kill me with a cult of murderers who were hunting me. They believed that I deserved death because I had taken a photo with her. She said in my dream, “Remember that time we took a photo and you stood in front of me?” Then she told me to hug my child goodbye in warning that they were about to devour me.

The people who have entered my life speaking the Christian messages have repeatedly tried to devour me in various ways. And yes, most of them attacked me for my physical appearance casting shame onto me for anything that could be considered beautiful or attractive in a physical sense. A woman who had become my very best friend through years of struggle later exited my life calling me a “harlot” for going on dates with a man after my husband shockingly divorced me. Shortly after I watched a sermon by a man named John Piper claiming that if a man divorces his wife, she is expected to stay single and pray for the marriage to be put back together or else she’s sinning. How would he know? Has even been divorced or had a spouse cheat and abandoned him? Who do these people think they are speaking for God and exercising power and authority to condemn the path and purpose of others from a self-made pedestal? How many souls have they misled?

I felt a spark of inspiration a few weeks ago when I attended an event at a place called Believe LA. Aisha Hinds was on a panel among others and she told her story about how 9/11 (a tragedy) made her seek to leave New York and go to LA following God’s inner voice. She hated it and cried everyday feeling out of place. She worked at a hotel, (not in movies) and it was in that space where God shifted everything in one single moment. A hotel guest asked if she “happened to be an actress” and then requested her headshot. Fast forward 24 years later she’s one of the biggest names in a show called 911. The irony of it all is no coincedence.

Today is 9/11. I’m in Tampa about to get dressed and fly to Austin where a dream of mine in a fictional book once took place. I don’t know why Austin is the city I chose to be the scene of Skyla’s story. I may never understand the little pieces of imagination that somehow have brought hope into my own dark night of the soul when I have wanted to quit and throw up my hands and just disappear into the nothing.

Today I feel the theme is to disconnect from everything (social media and the voices of others demanding my servitude or trying to direct my path in career or purpose) and to enter into the rest of Jesus. I feel he’s telling me through this dream that I don’t need to try to fit into another’s shoes or cover the windows of my soul with thick lashes but instead to just be me and let my light shine (in the eyes) as I interact with whoever he sends into my path. I feel God’s telling me that he will place me on the track he’s designed for me to walk and I’ll just arrive there – without fighting to find it myself.

There will be a moment orchestrated by God when I will be at the right place at the right time and the window of opportunity will be opened where I will know “This is what HE has done.”

This project from the beginning was about Surrendering to God’s will. At the crossroads I found myself standing in between two worlds – the life I created by my will and doing and a life that God wants to author where I don’t get to know what comes next or control the outcome. One world happens in the doing and the other happens in the receiving. Perhaps the reason I’m so exhausted in all areas of my life is because I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember. Stuck in survival mode since I was a child trying to run away from pain, prisons and various forms of abuse to find a place of peace where I might belong. But each decision I’ve ever had to make has been done in chaos and panic. I’ve been swimming upstream for so long (decades) and wearing so many different pairs of shoes I never got to pause and figure out which ones truly fit my feet.

So in this time I see why God is showing me so much. Dave not having a place for me to stay when I need it is protecting me from entering another relationship out of necessity. If it were God’s will it would’ve been perfectly aligned. And all the voices from Texas that reach out telling me “you need to come back – God wants you back here doing real estate” have come with no offer. They don’t have an open home for me to live in or a job for me to support myself – just a voice of opinion that places heavy weights of expectations on my shoulders with no solutions that back their speech. This is often the case though isn’t it? The ones who believe they have a connection with God tell everyone else what they should be doing and they never stop to ask about the sovereign puzzle pieces of PEACE that we are meant to seek to enter into his rest. Door close when God determines it’s time to close them. And another opens by His design to keep us on path to HIS WILL.

I don’t want to walk in anyone’s plans anymore. I want to see all things as obstacles and opinions that have no bearing unless God shines a light of confirmation and beauty into the thing with a spark of hope that sends my spirit into a connection of bliss and excitement.

As I conclude this entry I just want to say to myself that I’m happy I didn’t get all the things I’ve wanted. And although these journals may seem like a waste of time when the outside world screams louder and louder of all things it wants me to go to war with, I know this too will have a purpose in it all I’ll soon see. If only to reflect back upon and remind me of his presence in the paintbrush of here and there I’ll again rejoice that God’s will is perfect and beautiful.

Time will tell where this road leads. I commit to wearing the shoes God gave me to wear and to walk in peace knowing that he has already went before me and all things are working for my good and his Glory.

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