The Book

My daughter is reading it and she sent me a ton of messages last night about coming back together with her dad. She discussed his miracle in healing and that the devil is a liar to say he’s stuck like this. I am torn in this all because I know that man broke my heart. I know how much love God instilled in me towards him. I know betrayal hit harder than I could’ve ever imagined and made me not trust love anymore.

Then also last night D was talking about sex with other people. A part of me wanted to experience what he spoke of because to see a man with another woman (cheating) is the ultimate release of the soul. I experienced it with Josh. I know that the bond breaks when he touches another woman. Is the desire not enough? The flesh will do what it wants and the spirit is strong enough to overcome it. But I can’t control anyone’s desires or overcoming. Only my own with the spirit of Christ.

These revelations seem to be telling me that my soul is still seeking. I feel I haven’t found the one who will recognize me as their other half. That one will see me and say “she’s enough – she’s everything.” And yet God can put that spirit in anyone. The spirit of true, unconditional love isn’t something we labor to create, it just is.

But what of a Father’s love? My daughter’s soul is stirring to return to her father’s house – to be heal the parts of her that lost the man who hung the moon. Maybe the book was written for a time such as this when she would read it, be stirred in her spirit and God would speak to her that this is her season to pick up the baton and be the healer she was sent here to be. Maybe it’s her love that will move him past the finish line – whatever that is. Maybe her love will be stirred in music again because of the seed of love God’s turning on right now.

I would love so much to see my daughter rise up in glory and my son too. Maybe that’s the healing that will come to me one day when I see and know that everything happened for the reason of two amazing, strong and God-filled kids who change the world some day and do so because of the demonstration of love, healing and resilience they saw demonstrated.

Today I ask for God to help me walk in faith, accepting what is and continuing to report what is true. Today what is true is my daughter is reading my book on the 9 year anniversary of me publishing it and she’s on a plane to Houston today to see her brother and father. Today what is true is I’m going to get my California drivers license with Dave. Today what is true is I have a seed of hope that something beautiful is happening in the moving puzzle pieces of God’s design and divine plan. Today what is true is I know nothing beyond that.

I’m a passenger in a script that God writes and until he stirs my heart with passion for something, I am waiting upon the Lord. In the void and confusion I have nothing else I’m able to do.

Here and now, I have little to show on the outside that humans would call goodness. But on the inside, I’m still breathing because I believe the story isn’t over yet.

I’m going to go for a run. Let the Lord heal my body overtaken by vape metals, remove my addiction and impress upon my heart that I’m still a vessel of love and should be healed in the body as my soul prospers.

In Jesus Name,

Amen.