Is This My Calling

Over the last few weeks, trying to settle into LA has. been a series of repeating the same mistakes I’ve been making since I first woke to remembrance of the buried book that was mysteriously mirroring my life. That’s when I first ran away from this rabbit hole of strange happenings into distractions and past versions of myself. I’ve been on marketing interviews, frantic shopping excursions for a used car with no resolve and I’ve tried to resurrect old business ideas with a mortgage guy from Orange County who manages a film festival he wanted me to help with. Meanwhile milestones of this journey come into my view like messages screaming at me to press forward in these videos and share the truth of my experiences.

Meanwhile my ex-husband back in Texas has been trying to drown me in his drama – calling with screaming in the background of he and my son fighting, threatening to kill eachother or themselves. I’ve talked with police, mental help facilities and family members with no resolutions. He demanded that I fly my son to live with me and for the first time in my adult life I don’t have a home to welcome him into. It’s a feeling of powerlessness and yet I wonder if that too is divinely orchestrated. I feel like there’s something important I’m meant to do right now and I wonder if this is it. Is this my calling?

From a hotel room in Boise Idaho I woke up at 7:17 a.m., unable to go back to sleep, flipped on the TV and saw a commercial featuring a film director. This reminded me of last week when Tamra sent me a submission request for faith-based stories that do not have divine intervention. I worked for 3 days on ideas to change my script from the published book of miracles from the hospital to take God out of the equation. And as if spirit was screaming at me, I’ve been flooded with memories and images popping up of past directives, such as making the sandboxes in 2018 – another season of waking up to a voice telling me instructions.

The sandbox was the most confusing message I’ve ever received from dreamstates – telling me to build something with NO reason. As I built it, I received more understanding. Based on the story of the woman caught in adultery from the Bible, I was shown that I needed to lay down my troubles at the feet of Jesus, who is called the author of life, of our faith and of our stories, who never wrote a single recorded word on a page. However, on that day, as the angry mob surrounded the woman screaming, “stone her,” Jesus bent down and wrote in the sand. When his hand touched the dirt he announced, “Whoever is without sin cast the first stone at her.” And then he bent down once more and wrote again with his finger. There the scriptures say that each heart was convicted of themselves and they left her one by one until she was alone with God. He asked, “Is there anyone left to condemn you?” “No,” she whispered. And he said to her, “Neither do I condemn you, now go in peace and sin no more.” I thought about this all day yesterday asking what he meant when he said, “Sin no more.” Then the answer came. When God rescues one from their troubles and saves her from the people and the place that covers her in shame, blame and heavy accusations, she is then commanded to not return to that place or those relationships that had discarded her and left her for dead. This was my confirmation to never go back to the situation in Texas where I almost died in 2019 of heart failure from the heavy burdens that had been placed on me alone.

The next commercial that aired on my screen was a Disney commercial for cruiselines featuring adults acting as children and believing in miracles and magic. That brought me to remembrance of my second season of listening to these directives from spirit when I spent an entire year after the pandemic creating hand made prayer candles. I used them in conjunction with the sandbox, writing my prayers in letters to God and then burning a candle in alignment with the scripture from the book of Revelation that reads, “And the prayers of the saints mixed with the smoke from the incense and was lifted by the hands of the angels up to the throne of God.” I believed this word – that my prayers were powerful when I spoke them aloud, then blew out the candle like a child making a wish over a birthday cake and then secured the letter inside of the sandbox to symbolize “casting my worries upon the Lord because he cares for me,” 1-Peter 5:7.

Looking back now on the period of my life between 2018 and 2021 as I spent all of my spare time making sandboxes, light signs of scriptures and prayer candles seems like foolishness when I consider that I’m grown woman with a mountain of troubles, no home of my own or even a car. I have no career to boast about or a love in my life to walk with me in this wilderness. And yet, I can’t shake the mystery rooted in a fantasy book I wrote 10 years ago – never read by a single eye that is so tightly connected to events in my real life. I have no choice but to wonder if childlike faith is alive and real even to mid-life women like me who had long ago given up on such fantasies and fables living in a world that often presents more darkness and sorrow than light and love.

I fly back to California tonight and have 3 days off – with plans to see David. I wrote him a letter yesterday to say goobye and keep it in my notepad. I cried through every word and still feel unsettled as if it’s not time yet. Then last night he sent me screenshots of his 2 hours spent in rigorous workouts. Dennis, the elderly psychic who called me last November told me that David’s soul still needed something from me and I needed to find out what it is. When I last saw David 3 weeks back, I couldn’t help but notice he had gained weight and looked worn-over and unhealthy. He doesn’t know that I know his mother passed in January. I found this out from an encounter with a woman who looks identical to his sister on her flight back to Austin. Angels speak to us in mysterious ways – oftentimes through strangers who spark similarities to our own situations and connections. I never recognized this until I became very open to the realm of souls who’ve passed over – not by own desire or will. This gift seem to find me after my stepdad passed in 2020. I seemingly have become some sort of conduit for loved ones who are still very much around. Anyway, perhaps this project in its own way, once revealed at a later date will be a seed of childlike belief for David too and maybe my role in his life at this moment is to give him incentive to find his new chapter after grieving a great loss and to find new life in a new season of perfect health in his mind and his body.

I was used by God to help a man come back to life and heal from a traumatic brain injury – a documented miracle that defies logic and science. Maybe I’m to be used again in this same way and I should embrace the gift God gives through my willingness to love these men in their seasons of struggling to love themselves. In my eyes he’s beautiful and perfect, and I’ll always see him as the man who walked into Aria carrying 8 bottles of Stella Black Rose wine in a black shirt with an aura of love in his countenance.

Perhaps life is a series of assignments and our role in it all is to leave each person a better version than we first found them. And I trust that everyone I encounter has a desire to be this for me too. I admit it’s not easy to trust anyone when I’ve been hurt so badly in the past. But if I truly believe the word of God, then I must believe that Love takes no record of wrongs and Love trusts ALL things.

As for the script submission request from the production company seeking a faith-based film that has no divine intervention or God in the story, such a concept is a lie for me. Christ revealed to me in 2016 that he was the conduit between heaven and earth who woke me from the dead as a 17 year old girl who committed suicide. He was the one who brought me to the Council where I saw chapters in the Book of Life and I believe he’s authoring my story today and giving me little breadcrumbs of what was and what is yet to come. To deny my own experiences would be a denial within my own soul. So, I say here and now to that Hollywood producer who seeks divine wisdom without credit to the divine, “No thank you.” There will be a day when the true Author, producer and director of all scripts we live in will be revealed to all and I will stand with the ones this world calls foolish and naive – the ones who still believe in the power of prayer, in miracles and in the spirit of love that we all hoped to find at one point in our journeys, before we were tainted by the weights of this world. I will produce my own film here, without a single viewer today. But if this is God’s will for this story to be known, then it will be at the appointed time with or without the help of a people in powerful positions.

Today I pray for the strength to press forward in this project of the Unscripted Script, for intense focus on the calling upon my life to keep making these videos and entries to track the process of my buried book as a prophecy of a woman who lost everything but today walks in faith towards a chapter that will restore and renew all that she ever had. And speaking of renewal, perhaps my next video will share the vision I was given before I left Florida of a future moment of my son’s life…. As the happy and fullfilled husband and father that he will become…

May 27th, 2025 – The unscripted script.. unravels…