Terrified to go Back

I flew to Hawaii and felt peace when I walked the ocean. I felt I belonged there. I wish I could live on the beach and be in nature. I wish I could learn to surf and bodyboard. I don’t want to go back to Houston. God did so much to get me out of there. But I don’t see the way here yet. I don’t see the miracle of purpose hitting me in the forehead where I know why God sent me and what I’m to do now. I can’t see what God is doing in this quiet waiting.

I just want to get back on my feet and have a ministry of some kind where I can influence others going through these storms. I want to see the promised land and understand why God sent me here. I want to feel the love and abundance of all things made new. Where is the door I can’t see?

I want to have family and a home and my dog but not at the cost of my soul. Not at the cost of dying a slow death in a prison of retirement alone. My heart is torn because it doesn’t know the way anymore. I don’t know what to seek because I can’t see anything seeking me.

On the way back from Hawaii there was an infant in a mans arms when we landed. David (next to me) said we have to write reports because we could get in big trouble and then the flight leader told us that the seating report had the infant seated there – so it was the system’s fault. I felt the angels watching over me in that moment. And it made me think of everything he said; the warning about the friend who took a job and was laid off a year later. Then his speeches about love. I don’t know what love is right now. I don’t feel love from anyone. I thought leaving here would be the answer but I’m terrified to go back to the place that destroyed me.

I look up and see MALIBU in front of me. And I think about the Malibu Miracle I’ve been praying for and how I finally got here in May. My past is the enemy. It tries to bring me into it again and again. I won’t go back.