I Trust You Lord

This morning I grabbed the Bible and asked God what to read. I saw Luke 11:12 in my mind’s eye and opened it up to read where Jesus explains that our Father in Heaven knows how to give us good gifts. Specifically it says if you asked for an egg would he give you a scorpion? I’ve had a thing for eggs lately. Well ironically D turned me on to eating eggs since he switched to this strict diet and quit sugar. And Jesus references the egg when he speaks of himself saying that his yoke is light and easy. A scorpion stings.

Today was hard as my first day back in Cali from Seattle where I felt like the entire trip was speaking to me about the connection I have felt with D. It does feel like a trap in many ways. I have felt suffocated by my own thoughts and the heaviness on my heart. I have constantly spun in circles in my thoughts wondering what I did wrong, why he doesn’t love me, what is the reason I fell so hard for this man and chased after him with all I have and in it all I have felt very foolish and deceived.

I go from angry to sad and then do it all over again and I scream at God often asking him how come he didn’t protect me from the heartbreak or do something to stop this long ago.

Tonight on the drive home from Marina Del Ray I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me as my thoughts wondered about things I don’t know. It seems there is some sort of big secret – a piece to this puzzle I can’t figure out and in many ways I feel blind. This reminds me of yesterday at the falls when there was a massive football sized waterfall covered completely by a cloud of heavy mist. The sun came out and cleared it all away.

Then my thoughts went to other moments when things happened that I didn’t like but God had a reason. For example, when my mother bought the house directly behind me I was horrified but two months later she took care of my house, my pets and my children when I was in a hospital for extended periods with Josh. God put all of the puzzle pieces in place because he knew what was coming next. None of us had a clue about anything until we saw the reason much later.

My daughter plans to move here in 2 months and shopping for places with her felt peaceful today and even exciting. I thought about how great it was to not be alone. I love her and miss her dearly. And on this drive home, I thought there must be a reason for God’s timing in this too. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what’s waiting up ahead for any of us. But God knows. He knows what puzzle pieces he’s moving into place and why he’s doing it. He knows what will happen with Dave and his job. He knows what will happen with Josh and his dad. He knows what will happen with me and Kenna. He has a reason for all things although I haven’t been able to figure out his ways in a very long time.

Maybe Dave will move away or meet the woman of his dreams and God’s preparing me to not be alone when that bandaid rips off. Or maybe Josh will need to suddenly come here and me and Kenna will in position to accept him. Or maybe God just wants to work on Dave’s heart and won’t allow him back in until he’s ready to be a better man and meet my daughter and accept my life with my kids and the beauty of all that exists in my foundation of God’s love. Maybe God is about to make Kenna a singing star or make me a movie career or maybe this is just the year where all things sad become untrue and all of God’s beautiful puzzle pieces come together at once with a beauty beyond my comprehension.

It’s hard because I felt such intense anxiety I had no choice but to tell him to leave me alone. And I think God knew that was coming. I think God knows that separation must happen for truth to be brought to the surface. Well of course God knows. He knows everything.

So I hope God does a miracle and brings that man to my doorstep with a pure heart and a dozen roses. But whatever God is doing, I know that my prayer was for a husband that would love me as Jesus loves the church – and he wouldn’t trade me and egg for a scorpion. God will do this. God will bring it to pass.

I’m excited to see what God is doing. Until then, I just want to say…… I trust you Lord.